Blackmail

Well, your father's in Bermuda

And the milkman's overjoyed

Your maid is into bondage

And I've got Polaroids

And I was on the corner

When you wrecked your mother's Porsche

But why should I inform her

About your poor misfortune?

'Cause everyone has secrets

But sometimes you get caught

So if it's just between us

My silence can be bought

Blackmail... blackmail

I was looking through your closet

When I found your water bong

Your stash of Turkish hash

And a twelve-inch rubber dong

And I won't tell your family

About your last abortion

So you can call it "bribery"

But I prefer "extortion"

Well, my counselor is a dealer

And the football coach is queer

The school nurse and the dean of boys

Are having an affair

And someone shot the rent-a-cop

And I'm the only witness

But I won't tell you who it was

'Cause it's none of your business