If I Were A Moose

If I were a moose and you were a cow

Would you love me anyhow?

Would you introduce me to your folks

Would you tell your friends "No moose jokes!"

If I were a moose and you were a cow.

Would you invite me to your club

And risk a cruel bovine snub

Would you lead me down the receiving line

And boldly boast "This moose is mine!"

Would your parents watch us graze

Shake their heads, "It's just a phase"

Or would they thank the stars above

Their precious heifer's found her love?

Would your grandparents change their will?

They'd really expected a Holstein bull

"For this we toiled before the plow --

You bring home someone who's not even a cow.

There's lot's of proper stock around

Like that nice young Guernsey at Farmer Brown's

Or that last one we ridiculed and cursed

On second thought you could do worse.

But if you think this thing will last

Could he learn to moo and eat our grass

Shed his antlers in the dirt

Could you persuade him to convert?"

If our anatomies did not quite fit

Would you make the best of it

Would you nuzzle up so near

And hum sweet cow tunes in my ear?

Or would you sadly break it off

When all the hillside sneered and scoffed

"You know those moose are all the same

They're lazy, they're stupid, they come from Maine."

It's true things slip a moose's mind

That cows remember all the time

Bulbous nose and knobby knees

A coat that harbors ticks and fleas

But a moose can be a handy thing

When hungry wolves come visiting

In icy gust of winter storm

Our fur is deep and dry and warm.

And someday should your milk run dry

And farmer stare with baleful eye

In dead of night I'd slip your noose

And lead you home to the land of moose

If I were a moose and you were a cow.

If hunters came to do me harm

Would you hide me in the barn

Would all the herd come on the run

And glare until they dropped their guns?

Might you permit a goodnight kiss

Could you learn to love wet moose lips?

If I were a moose and you were a cow

If you were a cow and I were a moose