Getting Married Today

JENNY: Bless this day,

Pinnacle of life

Husband joined to wife

The heart leaps up to behold

This golden day.

PAUL: Today is for Amy

Amy, I give you the rest of my life

To cherish and to keep you

To honor you forever

Today is for Amy,

My, happily, soon-to-be wife.

AMY: Pardon me, is everybody here?

Because if everybody's here,

I'd like to thank you all

For coming to the wedding.

I'd appreciate you going even more,

I mean, you must have lots of better things to do,

And not a word of it to Paul

Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry

But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anything

As wonderful as he is.

Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers,

Thank you all, now it's back to the showers

Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

JENNY: Bless this day,

Tragedy of life

Husband bound to wife

The heart leaps up

And feels dead

This dreadful day.

AMY: Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for

A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual

Where everybody promises fidelity forever,

Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of,

Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize

He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should.

Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married

Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married

You've been grand, but I'm not getting married

Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married

And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

Go! Can't you go?

Why is nobody listening?

Goodbye! Go and cry

At another person's wake.

If you're quick, for a kick

You could pick up a christening

But please, on my knees,

There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear

Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?

It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life

You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities

I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday

But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage.

I'm not well, so I'm not getting married

You've been swell, but I'm not getting married

Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married

Thank you all, but I'm not getting married

And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

JENNY: Bless this bride,

Totally insane

Slipping down the drain

And bless this day in our hearts

As it starts

To rain.

PAUL: Today is for Amy

Amy, I give you the rest of my life

To cherish and to keep you

To honor you forever

AMY: Go! Can't you go?

Look, you know I adore you all

But why watch me die

Like Eliza on the ice?

Look, perhaps I'll collapse

In the apse right before you all

So take back the cake

Burn the shoes, and boil the rice.

PAUL: Today is for Amy,

My, happily, soon-to-be wife

My adorable wife...

AMY: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you,

But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint

So if you want to watch me faint, I'll do it happily,

But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?

So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates,

Thirty-seven butter knives,

Forty-seven paperweights,

Fifty-seven candle holders

PAUL: One more thing...

AMY: I'm not getting married.

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Softly said...

AMY: But I'm not getting married.

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: With this ring...

AMY: See, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: I thee wed.

AMY: Still, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Let us pray that we are getting married

AMY: Let us pray that we're not getting married

ALL: Today!