What Is A Wife

Immediately following the

Innocence of childhood

And the freedom of bachelorhood

Comes that incredible creature

Known as a wife

Wives come in assorted colors

That vary from day to day

Platinum blonde, red, ash blonde

Brunnette, henna, auburn and camel brown

According to a recent thirty day survey

By the way, more doctors are switching

To camel-haired women than ever before

All wives have one creed in common

To spend every nickel of every dime

Of every dollar of every pay check

Before you get it, in this respect

They're very much like the government

Wives are found everywhere

In reducing saloons, bridge parties

Saks Fifth Avenue, beauty parlors

Bargain basements, in your hair

On your lap, in mud packs, maternity rooms

And going through your pockets

Mothers love them, mothers-in-law tolerate them

Spinsters envy them and husbands fear them

A wife is a purity with cold cream on her face

Dignity with a dish mop in her hands

Beauty with curlers in her hair and

Wisdom with an unbalanced checkbook

No matter how busy you are

Your wife'll keep you on the phone til

She gets that new dress she saw downtown

But when you want to show her off

She hasn't a thing to wear

A wife is a composite of many things

The curiosity of an income tax collector

The suspicion of a detective

The imagination of a psycho-analyst

And the temper of a marine first-sergeant

She likes charge accounts, babies

Soap operas, diets, all kinds of presents

Gossip, a 21-inch waistline, mink coats

Sleeping late, eating out and other men

She hates corsets, ironing, being over thirty

Husbands who use guest towels, budgets

Cigars, The Jones' Cadillac

Her husband's secretary and other women

Nobody can get as happy on

One glass of champagne or be

So late to so many appointments

Nobody could spend as much time

Tweezing, plucking, vibrating

Combing, brushing, polishing

Rubbing on, rubbing off

Touching up and still come out looking

Pretty much the same as she did before

Nobody can be so illogical

Cry so conveniently, interrupt so frequently

Or louse up the punch line

Of a good story so often

And nobody else can cram

Into one small pocketbook

Four lipsticks, last years expired license

Ten handkercheifs, two lumps of

Wrapped sugar, hairpins, an extra

Pair of nylons, keys to the trunk

In the attic, two compacts

A raffle ticket for a turkey and enough

Perfume to keep her going for eight years

A wife is a magical creature

She can make more things disappear

Just when you need them

She's your warden, your overseer

Your treasurer, your probation officer

And your wife

And when you come home at night

Tired from a rough day at the office

Longing for your slippers

And a warm fire

There's nothing in the world like

A wife to greet you at the door

With three little words

Where's the money