Misery & Sadness

I'd like to pray but I can't

Maybe when I see the Son again

The sky is black by the throws of your bows

And they’re all aimed at my vitals

I'd like to pray but I can't

Maybe when I see the Son again, maybe then

When will Your love come back to me?

Though I wish that You were not with me

I dread my past and where it has placed me

I look in the mirror and all I feel is hatred

What did I do to make You hate me so violently?

My free will would choose

To hang You again

For all the pain and hardship

I’ve endured at Your hands

What am I saying?

I’m an ingrate. Blasphemous

And pathetic. So pathetic

God, leave me I am so

Weak and pathetic

Unworthy of Your presence

My past speaks, and it speaks truth

That I’m far too depraved

Too bad even to seem good

That I don’t have a future

And much less stand before You

Count it all joy

Let it build you up

But not this, how can it?

I’ll end my life and

You can't stop it

O' self you died

Trying to comfort in someone else

My despair is oceans deep

You were supposed to wash me clean

What happened?

You’re always preaching to yourself some kind

Of gospel. It will be true gospel of the Lord

Jesus Christ that will encourage and comfort your heart

Or it will be some anti-gospel

A gospel of poverty and aloneness

And weakness and doom

My heart is faint

My eyes filled with sorrow

I take pills to sleep

And I hold contempt for the morrow

My heart is faint

My eyes drip with sorrow

I drink myself to sleep

And I hold contempt for the morrow

What happened?

How did I end up like this?

I know you see me and Your eyes are flaming

And You’re not blinking

Oh God, You know the truth

I can barely stand to even look at you

But I have no one else to throw myself into

Is this the punishment I reap

For fornicating at fifteen?

Or is this what I get as payback

For being a selfish and prideful scumbag?

I feel so damn accused, and I can't shake it

Your wrath burns hot, and I lay empty

I have scrubbed hard, my hands are bleeding

All just to grind my stains in deeply

Do You hold my sins against me?

See, here’s what religion will tell you

‘Clean it up, scrub it out’

How many of you tried that?

Scrub really hard, to make sure

That you grind the stain in deep

All you were trying to do was clean yourself up

And all you did was make the stain bigger