Fiend Like Me

Tune in to your favourite station

Peruse any news publication

See the state of the states and nations

Corporations, inflation, invasions

Well, I say that they could take some

Intercontinental consolidation

One flag emblazoned with my face on

And I don’t plan on an application

Introducing villainy squared

Just your standard reclusive trillionaire

With a maniacal air and a violent flare

Vibrant tyrant enshrined in a stylish chair

You can find me there on my island lair

Where the sirens blare as I stride in striking fear

With the slightest glare, I'm not fighting fair

Step aside for the frightful heir

So you’d better get to polishing your white flags

I’ve a plethora of monuments to hijack

Shrink the senate, use the columns as a spice rack

And enveloping the commons in a flytrap

Minions all over my map

Turn your dominion into a nice back-

Yard for my kingdom

Your income might lapse

Might have to squint at the price

On the ransom price tag

You know, I’ve just realised

This dotted line around the globe is supposed to be the equator

I always thought of it as more of a cut here

If all the world’s a stage

Then I shall play my part

You may say it’s cliché

But I say it’s an art

Every deck needs a knave

To come and stack the cards

The world may be yours to save

But it’s mine to tear apart

One button’s all it takes

To set the earth a-quaking

Or is the world afraid

And the planet started shaking?

You’d need tectonic plates

To serve the schemes I'm baking

And the menu for today

Is some world domination

I'm the meanest genius scheme unfurler

Genus steeped in burglars, murderers

Fiend Weekly’s champ moustache twirler

I cheated, I used curlers

Yes my amusements bamboozle

A glamorous ruse to confuse all

Your plans to tamper and snoop

You’re delusional

Can’t see no scheme whilst you’re schmoozing my valets

Casino screen obscures my base

So if you don’t want a day to rue let’s

Just play some roulette, forget the backstage

But if you do sleuth through to my sanctum

I’ve a few new tools here to have fun

Like a tank full of man-eating plankton

Or a smooth henchman with a handgun

So whilst I'm busy dislodging Norway

You’ll spend all day dodging my sawblades

Raising my pinball scoresheet

Freak in the broadsheets, Rube Goldberg in the hallways

Stay between the laser beams

You still won’t make it face-to-face with me

Your agency just paid you to take

A vacation in my interrogation seat

One wrong step in my bullion vaults

And you’re gonna be met with a billion volts

But if you do pocket any ill-gotten profits

Then I’ll dock it via rocket from the minion at fault

My management skills are uniquely stirring

When lacking in diligent measly servants

Having one killed with the team observing

Works magic on building the weak’s subservience

See, I think I’d make a perfect leader. I'm very hands-on

And by that, I mean my hand’s on this big red button

That may or may not do something terrible to the Moon’s gravity

Don’t worry, I’ll write you a lovely orbit-uary

If all the world’s a stage

Then I shall play my part

You may say it’s cliché

But I say it’s an art

Every deck needs a knave

To come and stack the cards

The world may be yours to save

But it’s mine to tear apart

You secretly live below

My laser-mounted space station

You may need to think it over

But if I get bored of waiting

I’ll be beaming tic-tac-toe

Between the borders of your nations

Want to keep the Swiss Plateau?

Then give me world domination

I’ve minions poised and entrapped informers

Villains exploiting the map’s four corners

Off to deploy my outlandish orders

Warrants are void. International waters

If I steal her bling, do I have to wait

For the Queen of England to abdicate?

Shrink rays are aimed, so why raze the place?

Turn your famed locations to paperweights

Now your monument’s stored in a portable size

Does my offer seem more of an affordable price?

Your democracy’s nice but you ought to comply

Or I’ll alter your mind via the water supply

Reports coming live of some sort of device

That authorities describe as an orb in the sky

It’s absorbing the light and distorting the ice

‘Till your tenth story penthouse is caught in the tide

The Forces of Justice ought to give up

‘Fore I bore through the crust and get awfully destructive

Force down your government’s doors then I’ll bust in

Awesomely scored by a chorus of trumpets

Rulers you foolishly trust to prevent

My ascent just uselessly buckle and bend

If your throne ever feels too comfortable then

Remember all good things come to an end

If all the world’s a stage

Then I shall play my part

You may say it’s cliché

But I say it’s an art

Every deck needs a knave

To come and stack the cards

The world may be yours to save

But it’s mine to tear apart

That stylish new telephone

Home appliance sensation

Rewrites your genetic code

Every time the tone is playing

So I'm sure to get your vote

For my new administration

Detonator’s set to blow

For some world domination

It’s too late to stop me

By now the laser dolphins are in position

And every world leader at the beachside

Peace summit and barbeque has been incinerated

I’ll be sure to notify their next of fin

Oh, that was good, somebody write that down