Dreadful Domesticity

No sooner were they bound in marriage

When they realized their mistake

And as they got into the carriage

Each pondered what steps to take.

The honeymoon was merely dreary

And by the time that it was through

Their brains were overwrought and weary,

Contemplating what to do.

They reached their villa numb with loathing

As it was fading into night,

They cast aside their outer clothing,

And parted mutely for the night.

At dawn with scissors she came creeping

Into his room and deftly sheared,

While he lay strenuously sleeping,

Uneven notches in his beard.

Then after they had been wedded

A dozen years they paused aghast,

The possibility they had dreaded

Had occurred, occurred at last

They had exhausted all the other

Revenges for existing wrongs,

So they fell on one another,

Him with hammers, her with tongs.

A week went by, a tradesman calling

Peered in and gave a sickened gulp,

For on the carpet they were sprawling,

A single horrid heap of pulp.