The Only Church

My sister ran off with a junkie

My mother ran off with a drunk

My dog’s a two bit scaliwag leech

And my old man’s a slimebucket skunk

I’d make each one of them a mourner

If april weren’t just around the corner

Yeah you know I’d put a gun to my ear

If the sacred season weren’t almost here

November through march is a long time in hell

But then spring comes along to save us from our sins

With bats back swinging and line drives zinging

It’s the agony and ecstasy of losses and wins

My baby left me for an unlicensed plumber

The day after our pipes froze

I swear to God I’d seek eternal slumber

If it weren’t for those golden catches and throws

Hallelujah for baseball and the dimaggio streak

For a win by washington and every time the rangers lose

Hallelujah for the say hey kid, the big six and the freak

For ichiro’s arm and zito’s charm nixing my fixing-to-die blues

You might think you can vote with your card from the nra

And maybe they’ll give you a passport for being good with a gun

But it’s sure you got no business living here in the usa

If you won’t stand up and salute a walk-off home run

Yeah, you got no business running around with old glory

If you don’t worship at the church of the nine inning story

Now I’m happy to have a beer and a couple belts of bourbon

Hell, scratch the blood from its proceeds and I’d be ok with cocaine

But for an opium of the people our old pastime’s prime cut

Yeah, no drug or drink can do you like the national game

So while christians wait in vain for heaven to call them up

We got elysian fields right here leading to the hall of fame

Yeah, they’re waiting for their messiah to come clear the bases

While we got rapture every year from spring to fall

And you know their fishers of men could never hit our aces

Dudes dabbling in martyrdom couldn’t touch a koufax curveball

Hallelujah for baseball and the crack of the bat

For ozzie airborne and tinker to evers to chance

Hallelujah for all the lous, cy, satchel and nap

For campy and clemente and the hotbox baseline dance

Hallelujah for whitman’s “place where memory gathers”

For the rite on the diamond in the only church that matters