The Darkness Of My Heart

So sin’s mold is in all of brindle’s soul’s crevices

Living life by the law of timothy

Caused a near loss of family and a loss of ministry

So in the pit of sin I often ask the question

Why am I such an awful tragic mess?, and

I wrote this candidly, a hopeless man is me

But is cuz I’m from a broken family?

Are my problems rooted in my childhood?

Cuz without good family structure, I now should

Consider them, my griefs and my calamities

Are they legitimate reasons for insanity?

Cuz it’s apparent my parent’s marriage was broken

But I respond as such: My God is lust that I hope in

Giving me the ability to feel at ease in the moment

But in my pain I suffer, can I blame another for my own sin?

It’s blame-shifting!

But is early exposure that which has made my brain twisted?

Or was I born with this bent to love disgusting sin?

And porn is the event that shows I’m shunning Him-

Diseased and sick

Completely convinced I need this sin, I’d fiend for it

How easy the evil one deceives this twit

Cuz what I seek, digs a deeper pit!

What blasphemous nastiness

In that it’s my own ravenous savage sins that had me crash in this!

Yet I rage at the LORD with my anger galore

So hush and listen if I sound like just a victim

I’m even more a rebel from my disgusting sinning

Cuz I respond in blatant rebellion

A slave to the abominations I fell in

And since this sinner profaned His Honor

Hence the inner cold pain and trauma

Now all bottled up inside’s a lot of stuff to hide

Like rage, rotten lust and pride

Plus mixed with a big list of sicknesses

Manifested in wicked addictive sins

Angry at God—I vowed not trust Him

I’ll find escape now in the rush of lusting

Instead of turning to the Creator who made me

I prefer my own ways to be pain free

To medicate the horrendous dread within

Let me get the best pleasure as my medicine

So matter fact: I better build a wall

Around my heart so I can never feel at all!

So the result of this is an idolatrous

Autonomous, independent godless kid

To avoid pain in the deepest part within

I’ll never ever let any (one) in my heart again!