Backstage With Ron Hitler

Come backstage with Ron Hitler -

I invite you, Aussie youth,

To see your heroes in the flesh,

And learn the horrid truth;

Yes, backstage here at Homebake

The facade is ripped away

And the cream of Aussie rock n roll

Is shown in light of day.

I went over to Grinspoon,

Expecting sex and drugs;

Instead they were drinking herbal tea -

There was a dealer selling mugs.

"Where's the hard stuff?" I asked 'em;

"Not here," they said, "we're clean:

We know too many rock stars

Addicted to caffeine."

And yes, I looked around me

At Oz rock's rebellious face -

There were all the Whitlams

Washing their own plates;

Custard said they stay up all night -

When they're waitin' round for Santa;

I had a sesh with Spiderbait,

Drinking their Mylanta;

Ammonia cleaned the showers;

All you could hear were "Well done's"!

The Mavis's put rubbish in bins

Instead of on their albums.

"Don't join a rock band," parents say;

And of that, I affirm the rightness -

Backstage I saw young lives destroyed

By kindness and politeness.

To meet a rock star is to be

Certain of disappointment;

The Living End ain't so sexy

Applying their hemorrhoid ointment.

Frenzal Rhomb shine their own shoes;

Screamfeeder make their beds;

Nancy Vandal is a nice young girl;

Ratcat, in fact, are dead.

Jebediah likely to trash their rooms?

Ned Flanders is more liable:

What do you expect from a band

Who took their name from the Bible?

Is there no one famous at all, I thought,

For whom nastiness isn't just a stunt?

And then I met Stan Zammanick,

And, by Christ, he really is an awful cunt.

I stood up in that backstage tent

And I screeched at them with rage,

"Rock bands of Australia,

Why act your parents' age?

What happened to rebellion,

Getting depressed, getting busted?

You're role models for Aussie youth:

Why, they'll grow up well adjusted."

And they turned as one to look at me,

And they spoke out loud and true -

Like Rob Sitch on The Panel,

They screamed: "Who the fuck are you?"

And so, I warn you Aussie youth,

Rock and roll is full of lies;

Don't be like your rock heroes,

Or you'll have normal happy lives.