(he'll Never Be An) 'ol Man River

I saw his body thrashing round.

I saw his heart rate going down.

I saw him in convulsive throes.

I said, "I'll have one of those."

Hillary had Everest in his veins;

Armstrong did moon, was never the same -

Heroes explore to give us hope:

River Phoenix pushed back the envelope.

I drank the slab that Bon Scott drunk;

I injected some of Hendrix's junk;

I booked a seat on Lynyrd Skynyrd's plane;

Mama Cass's sandwich? - I ate the same.

But now I'm bored and there's no stoppin' -

I need another celeb to fill a coffin.

Where will I get my next drug action?

Odds on it will be Michael Jackson.