Hello To All Our New Tism Fans

Hello to all our new TISM fans

Who might be here for the very first time -

"I'm on the drug that killed River Phoenix":

What a catchy and commercial first line.

And on behalf of all the boys in the band -

I can tell you they're all pretty chuffed -

We like to join with all our older type fans

And say to those new ones: Go get fucked.

Yep, go and get fucked if you read TV Week

And thought, "I'll see those guys who wear masks."

Not only was that the worst thing we've done,

I left my car keys up Molly Meldrum's arse.

Let me give you a quick guide to the show:

First, there's the yobs up the front in a pack;

The hypocrites are up here on the stage;

And if you're a real arsehole, you stand at the back.

You've come to the world of TISM, you tool:

The only thing worse is not being here -

You could hang around cafes and pretend you're cool:

What the fuck, just have another beer.

We know that the challange of life we all fail -

The only thing we all agree is great

Is the fact when Alan Bond was in jail

That fat bastard got anally raped.

Welcome to the world of TISM, you fools,

Where it's impossible for you to win:

All the snobs here once went to private schools

And we don't let state school kids come in.

Artists are all indulgent dilatants;

Non-creative people, fascist bankers;

If you don't get the jokes you're one of the yobs,

If you do, you're one of the wankers.

All anorexics are neurotic kooks

And all other girls are simply too fat;

Every male is a rapist; if not, he's a poof -

You think it rhymes? - good; if not, I meant that.

You take drugs? - you're a junkie. You don't? - you're weak.

If you're from the suburbs, you're life is a farce;

From the country? - you're slow. The city? - you're a creep;

A coward? - then you're up here in a mask.