Rosetta Stoned

Alrighty, then ... picture this if you will

10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kremes

in my "need to know" pose, just outside of Area 51

Contemplating the whole "chosen people" thingy

when a flaming stealth banana split the sky

like one would hope but never really expect

to see in a place like this

Cutting right angle donuts on a dime

and stopping right at my Birkenstocks

and me yelping

Holy fucking shit!

Then the X-Files being

Looking like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan

with Isabella Rossellini lips

And breath that reeked of vanilla Chig Champa

Did a slow-mo Matrix descent

Outta the butt end of the banana vessel

And hovered above my bug-eyes, my gaping jaw

and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip

and all I could think was

"I hope Uncle Martin here doesn\'t notice

that I pissed my fuckin' pants."

So light in his way

Like an apparition, [that]

He had me crying out

"Fuck me

It's gotta be

the Deadhead Chemistry

The blotter got [right] on top of me

Got me seein' E-motherfuckin'-T!"

And after calming me down

with some orange slices

and some fetal spooning

E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose

He said, "You are the Chosen One

the One who will deliver the message

A message of hope for those who choose to hear it

and a warning for those who do not."

Me. The Chosen One?

They chose me!!!

And I didn't even graduate from fuckin' high school

You'd better

You'd better

You'd better

You'd better listen

Then he looked right through me

With somniferous almond eyes

Don't even know what that means

Must remember to write it down

This is so real

Like the time Dave floated away

See, my heart is pounding

'Cause this shit never happens to me

I can't breathe right now!

It was so real

Like I woke up in Wonderland

All sorta terrifying

I don't wanna be all alone

While I tell this story

And can anyone tell me why

Y'all sound like Peanuts parents?

Will I ever be coming down?

This is so real

Finally, it's my lucky day

See, my heart is racing

'Cause this shit never happens to me

I can't breathe right now!

You believe me, don't you?

Please believe what I've just said!

See the Dead ain't touring

And this wasn't all in my head

See, they took me by the hand

And invited me right in

Then they showed me something

I don't even know where to begin

Strapped down [to] my bed

Feet cold [and] eyes red

I'm out of my head

Am I alive? Am I dead?

Can't remember what they said

God damn, shit the bed

Hey

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position

Such a heavy burden now to be the One

Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending

To write it down for all the world to see

But I forgot my pen

Shit the bed again

Typical

Strapped down [to] my bed

Feet cold and eyes red

I'm out of my head

Am I alive? Am I dead?

Sunkist and Sudafed

Gyroscopes and infrared

Won't help, I'm brain dead

Can't remember what they said

God damn, shit the bed

I can't remember what they said to me

Can't remember what they said to make me out to be the hero

Can't remember what they said

Bob help me!

Can't remember what they said

[We] don't know, [and we] won't know (x12)

God damn, shit the bed!