The Perfect Tuck

Have you ever traveled far

To some dazzy little bar

To see your favorite drag queen on the stage

And she's dancin’ and she's workin'

And she’s got the twinks all twerkin'

And she's rubbing up against the go-go cage

Then you see that queen start bendin'

For the perfect death drop endin'

And you're just about to tip the girl a buck

When the club becomes a wreck

'Cause out slips her bishop in a turtleneck (oh, my!)

And it could have been prevented

With just the perfect tuck

Since some of you are still having problems

I'm gonna teach you the perfect tuck now

It’s kinda my thing

Here we go

For the perfect tuck, you’ll need some spray adhesive

Give a little spritz to both your front and back

Put some paper tissue there, just below your derriere

With your junk pulled distinctly to your crack (Sorry, mom!)

Some clear vinyl tape should do quite nicely

To give that meaty tuck a helpin' hand

At least three strips is wise, dependin’ on your size

From taquito to el chalupa grand (see, that's Spanish!)

Now go and get your sturdy tuckin' panties

The ones that look like hell and smell much worse

Get those straps around your thighs as you pull 'em to the skies

’Til your tuck's so tight, it makes you want to curse (mother)

A little airbrush spray to hide the razor burn and welts

And your perfect tuck is finally in the groove

You can dance and you can stun, but it's gonna take a ton

Of industrial-strength cleanser to remove

Now where you once said: What the tuck?

Now you've got some tuckin' luck

It's just a tip to save ya

To hide what God done gave ya

The perfect tuck to keep your junk away

I can't sing, but you get the point

Go tuck yourself