Albuquerque

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs

In the corner of the basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop

You know the place

Well, anyway, back then life was going swell

And everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact

That every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl

Of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aw, big bowl of sauerkraut!

Every single mornin'!

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said, hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said, it's good for you

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut

Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement

And travel to a magical, far away place

Where the Sun is always shining

And the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long

At all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number

Of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

To Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Oh, yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh, yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's okay, they're clean!

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say, who is it?

No answer

Who is it?

There's no answer

WWho is it?

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like, hey, you can't have that

That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me

And he's like, tough

And I'm like, give it!

And he's like, make me

And I'm like, kay!

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes, indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says, yeah, what do ya want?

I said, you got any glazed donuts?

He said, no, we're outta glazed donuts

I said, you got any jelly donuts?

He said, no, we're outta jelly donuts

I said, you got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?

He said, no, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts

I said, you got any cinnamon rolls?

He said, no, we're outta cinnamon rolls

I said, you got any apple fritters?

He said, no, we're outta apple fritters

I said, you got any bear claws?

He said, wait a minute, I'll go check

No, we're outta bear claws

I said, well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?

He says, all I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels

I said, okay, I'll take that

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh!

Get 'em off me!

Get 'em off me!

No, get 'em off, get 'em off!

Oh, oh God, oh God!

Oh, get 'em off me!

Oh, oh God!

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me

She said, hey, you've got weasels on your face

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said, sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?

I said, whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say, hey, you want me to help you with that?

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like, hey man, I was just being sarcastic

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like, hey, come on, don'tcha get it?

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, okay

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I

Hate

Sauerkraut!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary​

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said, A (A)

L (L)

B (B)

U (U)

Querque (Querque!)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque