Trapped In The Drive-Thru

Seven o'clock in the evening

Watchin somethin' stupid on TV

I'm zoned out on the sofa

When my wife comes in the room and sees me

She says is this Behind The Music

With Lynard Skynard?

And I say I don't know

Say, it's gettin' late watcha wanna do for dinner?

She says I kinda had a big lunch

So I'm not super hungry

I said well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either

But I could eat

She said so whadya have in mind?

I said I don't know what about you?

She said I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat

I said that's what we're gonna do!

But first you gotta tell me

What it is you're hungry for!

And she says let me think

What's left in our refridgerator?

I said well, there's tuna, I know

She said that went bad a week ago!

I said is the chili ok?

She said you finished that yesterday!

I hopped up and I said

I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?

She's like why would I want to eat liver?

I don't even like liver!

I'm like no, I said 'delivered'

She's like I heard you say liver!

I'm like I should know what I said

She's like whatever, I just don't want any liver!

Well I was gonna say something

But my cell phone started to ring

Now who could be callin' me?

Well I checked my caller id

It was just cousin larry

Callin' for the third time today

My wife said let it go to voicemail

I said, ok

Where were we? Oh, dinner, right

So what d'ya want to do?

She said why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?

Yeah, I said, why don't you?

And then she said baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?

I says no

She says yes

I says no

She says yes

I says no

She says yes

Oh, here's your keys

I step a little bit closer

Say ok, where ya want to go?

She says how about the ivy?

I said yeah, well I don't know

I don't feel like gettin all dressed up

And eatin' expensive food

She's says olive garden?

I say nah, I'm not in the mood

And burrito king would make me gassy

There's no doubt

She says just forget about it

I said no, I swear I'm gonna take you out!

Then I get an idea

I says I know what we'll do!

She says what?

I say guess

She says what?

I say we're goin' to the drive-thru!

So we head out the front door

Open the garage door

Then I open the car doors

And we get in those car doors

Put my key in the ignition

And then I turn it sideways

Then we fasten our seat belts

As we pull out the driveway

Then we drive to the drive-thru

Heading off to the drive-thru

We're approaching the drive-thru

Getting close to the drive-thru!

Almost there at the drive-thru

Now we're here at the drive thru

Here in line at the drive-thru

Did I mention the drive-thru?

Well here we are

In the drive-thru line, me and her

Cars in front of us, cars in back of us

All just waiting to order

There's some idiot in a volvo

With his brights on behind me

I lean out the window and scream

Hey, whatcha tryin to do, blind me?

My wife says maybe we should park

We could just go eat inside

I said I'm wearin' bunny slippers

So I ain't leavin' this ride

Now a woman on a speaker box

Is sayin' can I take your order, please?

I said yes indeed, you certainly can

We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese

Then my wife says

Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!

I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich

Instead, this time

I said you always get a cheeseburger!

She says that's not what I'm hungry for

I put my head in my hands and screamed

I don't know who you are anymore!

The voice on the speaker says

I don't have all day!

I said then, take our order

And we'll be on our way!

I wanna get a chicken sandwich

And I want a cheeseburger, too

She's like you want onions on that?

I'm like yeah, I already said that I do

Plus we need curly fries

And don't you dare forget it!

And two medium root beers

No, just one, we'll split it

Then I said I'm guessin' that

You're probably not too bright

So read me back my order

Let's make sure you got it right

She says one, you want a chicken sandwich

Two, you want a cheeseburger

Three, curly fries, and a large root beer

Stop, don't go no further!

I never ordered a large rootbeer

I said medium, not large!

Then she says we're havin' a special

I supersized you at no charge

Oh and that's all

I could say, was oh

And she says now there is somethin' else

That I really think you should know

You can have unlimited refills

For just a quarter more

I say great, except we're in the drive thru

So what would I want that for?

Then she says wait a minute

Your voice sounds so familiar hey, is this paul?

And my wife is all like no, that ain't paul

Now tell me, who's this paul?

She says oh, he's just some guy

Who goes to school with me

I sat behind him last year

And I copied off him in geometry

I said I know a guy named paul

He used to be my plumber

He was prematurely bald

And he moved to pittsburgh last summer

He also had bladder problems

And a really bad infection on his toe

And she said mister, please, you can stop right there

That's way more than I needed to know!

And then we both were quiet

And things got real intense

Then she says next window please

That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents

So we inched ahead in line

Movin' painfully slow

I got a little bored

So I turned on the radio

Turned it off

Because my wife was getting a headache

So we both just sat there quietly

For her sake

Then I looked at her

And she looked back at me

And I said hum

I think you have somethin' in your teeth

She turned away from me

And then turned back and said did I get it?

I said yeah, well, I mean, most of it

But hey, ya know, don't sweat it

Then she said how about now?

I said yeah, almost

There's still a little bit there

But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast

Now we're at the pay window

Or whatever you call it

Put my hand in my pocket

I can't believe there's no wallet

And the lady at the window's like

Well, well that'll be five eighty two

I turn around to my wife, and say

How much have you got on you?

She just rolls her eyes and says

I'll pay for this, I guess

So she reaches into her purse

And pulls out the American express

I hand it to the lady

And she says oh, dear

It's gotta be cash only

We don't take credit cards here

I took back the card and said

Gee, really? Well that sucks

And that's when I found out

My wife was only carryin' three bucks

I said I thought you were

Going to hit the atm today

She says I never got around to it

So where's your wallet anyway?

And I said nevermind

Just help me to find some change

Now the lady at the window

Is lookin at me kinda strange

And she says mister, please

We gotta move this line along

I said now hold your stinkin' horses lady

We won't be long

We looked around inside the glove-box

And check the mat beneath my feet

I found a nickel in the ashtray

And a couple pennies and a dime in the space betweent he seats

Before long I had a little pile

Of coins of every sort

The lady counts it up and says

You're still about a dollar short

And now my woman's got this weird look

Frozen on her face

She screams, you know

I wasn't even really hungry in the first place

And so I turned around

To the cashier again

I shrugged and said ok

Forget the chicken sandwich then

So I pick up my change

Pick up my reciept

And I drive to the pickup window

Man, I just can't wait to eat

And now we see this acne ridden

Kid about sixteen

Wearin' a dorky nametag that says

Hello, my name is eugene

And he hands me a paper bag

I look him in the eyes

And I say to him hey, eugene

Can I get some ketchup for my fries?

Well he looks at me

And I look at him

And he looks at me

And I look at him

And he looks at me

And I look at him

And he says I'm sorry

What did you want again?

I say ketchup!

And he says oh, yeah, that's right

I just spaced out there for a second

I'm really kind of burnt tonight

And then he hands me the ketchup

And now we're finally drivin' away

And the food is drivin' me mad

With its intoxicating bouquet

I'm starvin' to death

By the time we pull up at the traffic light

I say baby, gimme that burger

I just gotta have a bite!

So she reaches in the bag

And pulls out the burger

And she hands me the burger

And I pick up the burger

And then I unwrap the paper

I bite into those buns

And I just can't believe it

They forgot the onions!