Word Crimes

Everybody shut up!

Everyone listen up!

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey

If you can't write in the proper way

If you don't know how to conjugate

Maybe you flunked that class

And maybe now you find

That people mock you online

Okay, now here's the deal

I'll try to educate ya

Gonna familiarize

You with the nomenclature

You'll learn the definitions

Of nouns and prepositions

Literacy's your mission

And that's why I think it's a

Good time

To learn some grammar

Now, did I stammer

Work on that grammar

You should know when

It's "less" or it's "fewer"

Like people who were

Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes

Like I could care less

That means you do care

At least a little

Don't be a moron

You'd better slow down

And use the right pronoun

Show the world you're no clown

Everybody wise up!

Say you got an "I","t"

Followed by apostrophe, "s"

Now what does that mean?

You would not use "it's" in this case

As a possessive

It's a contraction

What's a contraction?

Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words

By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes

Syntax you're always mangling

No "x" in "espresso"

Your participle's danglin'

But I don't want your drama

If you really wanna

Leave out that oxford comma

Just keep in mind

That "be", "see", "are", "you"

Are words, not letters

Get it together

Use your spellchecker

You should never

Write words using numbers

Unless you're seven

Or your name is prince

I hate these word crimes

You really need a

Full time proofreader

You dumb mouth-breather

Well, you should hire

Some cunning linguist

To help you distinguish

What is proper english

One thing I ask of you

Time to learn your homophones is past due

Learn to diagram a sentence too

Always say "to whom"

Don't ever say "to who"

And listen up when I tell you this

I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis

You finished second grade

I hope you can tell

If you're doing good or doing well

About better figure out the difference

Irony is not coincidence

And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull

What's figurative and what's literal

Oh but, just now, you said

You literally couldn't get out of bed

That really makes me want to literally

Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail

It's quite apparent

Your grammar's errant

You're incoherent

Saw your blog post

It's really fantastic

That was sarcastic (oh, psych!)

'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these word crimes

Your prose is dopey

Think you should only

Write in emoji

Oh, you're a lost cause

Go back to pre-school

Get out of the gene pool

Try your best to not drool

Never mind I give up

Really now I give up

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey

Go away!