The Last Real Record Store on Earth

Rob:

I've got my daily crossword, and there's coffee in the pot.

I've got cable and a girlfriend who is pissed off, but she's hot.

I've got records that it's taken me a lifetime to amass,

And I play them on a system that will kick your system's ass!

And if my life's not perfect,

If I'm anxious, bored, or sad,

Well, today may be less shitty--

With whole chunks of not so bad!

And I wouldn't change a thing about it;

No, I wouldn't want to change a thing.

In a world that's unreliable,

These are rocks on which to cling.

Nothing's great and nothing's new--

But "nothing" has its worth.

Meet the real go-getter

With the thrift store sweater

And the last real record store on earth!

I get by, relying on the

Freaks who can't survive

Without their Japanese import o

Or their Zappa 45.

They're really kinda sad

Hell, I'd be making fun of them,

If it weren't for the fact

I'm really one of them.

Yes, if you're into vinyl,

We've got everything essential.

I'm sitting on a business that has

Zero growth potential!

Pale Young Men:

And I wouldn't change a thing about it,

A-K rack, L-Z.

It's dark and dingy, never crowded;

All a record store should be.

Rob:

"For the serious collector

Who knows a record's worth"

Need a vintage Decca?

Step into my mecca.

It's the last real record store on earth!

Dick: (singing along to music on his headphones)

Ever since I lost control...

Rob: (to the audience)

That's Dick. He works for me.

Dick:

It's a Hiroshima of the soul.

Rob:

He's listened to every record in this store...

Dick:

Ever since we've been apart...

Rob:

...twice.

Dick:

It's a Hiroshima of my heart.

Pale Young Men:

Hiroshima of my heart...

Dick:

I want to find a love,

A love to call my own.

But I'm too weird and shy.

I guess I'll die alone.

Rob:

Barry, you're late.

Barry:

Yeah, sorry, I stopped to get you this box of.....seven donuts.

Rob: (to the audience re: Barry and Dick)

What can I do?

They came as temps.

But then they started showing up here every day!

It's been four years.

They just won't leave.

They never even ask me for a raise in pay.

And as I gaze across this filthy space,

I see insanity in every face.

Some days I think I should just torch the place!

But then I think where would I go?

Find guys who prize the things I know?

Barry:

It smells like ass--

All:

But even so...

I wouldn't change a thing about it!

Cause most other stores are crap!

Buying music shouldn't be like

Buying khakis at the Gap!

Pale Young Men:

Don't fall into the Gap!

Rob, Dick & Barry:

We're the experts here on everything

That's anything of worth!

All:

If you hate mass market

Bring your ass and park it

At the last real record store on earth!

Barry & Dick: (a la David Byrne/Devo/robot dance)

This ain't no Tower!

Pale Young Men:

This ain't no Tower!

Barry & DickL

This ain't no Coconuts!

Pale Young Men:

This ain't no Coconuts!

Barry: And this ain't no soulless sanitized corporate Third Reich fucking WalMart!

Rob:

Alright, Barry!

Barry:

They're sucking the blood out of the little guys!

Rob:

No shit.

My rent check bounced.

Barry:

I live at home.

Dick:

Stayed up til four watching Mary Tyler Moore.

Rob:

My girl holds out.

Barry:

My girl inflates.

Dick:

I think I had sex once but I'm not sure.

All:

The things I hope for seem so far away.

Dick:

So far away.

All: I'm not too brilliant on the day-to-day.

Barry:

What's the day today?

All:

That's why I come Monday through Saturday--

And I wouldn't change a thing about it,

My whole world's inside this store.

Where would I go,

What would I do without it?

This is what I'm living for.

For the serious collector

Who knows a record's worth!

Rob:

If you hate mass market

Bring your ass and park it

All:

It's the best, that's final!

Find the finest vinyl

At the last real record store!

Rob: (repeating in a round)

We've got blues and soul and R&B.

We've got blues and soul and R&B.

Barry: (round)

Ska, punk and new wave...

Ska, punk and new wave...

Dick: (round)

Hip hop, rock, and pop.

Hip hop, rock, and pop.

Rob, Dick & Barry:

And the only thing that we dno't have is

Customers who shop!

Rob:

I always dreamed someday

I'd have this wonderful career.

I went where the music took me

And oh God, it took me here.

And they'll write it on my tombstone

Right beside my date-of-birth:

Part-time stoner

Went from clerk to owner

Of the last real record store on earth!

Barry, Dick & All:

I wouldn't change a thing about it

Gonna get up on the roof and shout it!

But will it hold us all? I doubt it!

Rob:

And I--

Barry:

I--

Dick:

I--

All:

I wouldn't change a thing!

I wouldn't change a thing!

I wouldn't change a thing!