Because Of You (feat. Matt Ngesa)

I've had a lot of words

I've had a lot of choices, but the silence is my vocal point

You've stolen all my air

I'm trying to breathe in silent, but I'm panting with the overtone

I can't even tell you if it's real, these feelings inside me

One day I'm a rainbow in the field, the next thing I'm cloudy, so cloudy

I remember when we first met

We took a trip to our family reunion

The night in the lounge, all forty of us in fact

Everything was fine till I heard that

Mom cryin' out to my dad in terror

I couldn't see him though I'm lookin' past the leather

I'm tryna' get a view around the crowd and then I

Finally see my dad on the floor, he's tremblin

I don't know what's going on, so I start to cry

He can't control himself, they're holdin' down his spine

They took me away and said that he'll be fine

But the next few years I was traumatized

Oh, and you were there

You were fillin' my nights with tears

And all of those thoughts with fear

And you were tellin' me that I might not see my dad again

That that brain tumor might come back again

Oh we met, but now we were well acquainted

You always brought sadness to my life, I hate it

You taught me to be numb to all the pain I'm takin'

So now I'm fourteen and I'm startin' to get jaded

I hate you, I seen you after my relation

The second time we met still left me feeling vacant, yeah

And I've been tryna' keep this story from raisin'

'Cause this part's so hard that I wrote this shakin'

She was the girl of my dreams at a young age

And I regret all the mistakes I made

'Cause it got out of hand like the wind I was grabbin'

By the time I looked around, I didn't even know what happened

'Cause the look on my own mother's face

My life's worst part to date, I swear

When my parents read my own text back to me

I learned what it means to be ashamed, I'm done

Now you've got me trippin'

You know it

Controller on a mission

You hold me so tight in your hands

I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

Now you've got me trippin'

You know it

Controller on a mission

You hold me so tight in your hands

I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

Flash forward to today, doesn't get much better

I though that we were done, but with every letter

That I write, I feel you lookin' past my shoulder

You spit into my ear and tell me I'm a failure

You tell me I'm not good enough, a broken dream

I don't got it in my genes like you ripped the seams

It seems everything that I do is in vain

That my story's not good, that I don't know pain

But I do know a thing or two about commitment

I've seen parents start splittin', their lives diminished

I've seen friends lose it all in a bottle they sippin'

I've seen this music industry is full of bad decisions

So I use this pen, tell the story of others

But you yellin' at my face, tellin' me not to bother

I know deep down I'll just let everyone down

I still feel alone, but there's people all around because of you

Because of you, but is this normal to be feelin' like this?

To be a leader, but be consumed by the ships

That bring regret into my deepest abyss?

I been drownin' in your darkness and I'm stuck in your grips

Why can't I lose you? I been on the find myself path

Drown myself in work, but really it never lasts

Perfectionist, nut really I'm afraid to fail

That's another mask that I use, you taught me well

How to hide my insecurities

I know your doubts wanna take a turn on me

You got me really feelin' like a waste

Like I have no purpose and all I am is fake

I was trapped in your prison so tight

Cryin' out for help and feelin' scared every night

'Cause there was way too many times I almost ended my life

And it's all because of you, I've never been alright

I'm done, I'm done

Now you've got me trippin'

You know it

Controller on a mission

You hold me so tight in your hands

I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

Dear depression, it's me again

It's been a little while since we last spoke

I know that when we talked, it got heated

But now I'm thinking 'bout the times I felt defeated by you

I mean, it's interesting, isn't it?

That pain that you brought had some good hidden into it

I see that when I'm broken, I gotta start hopin' in something

What you did made me stronger

Like the time when my father was going through the surgeries

Was barely out of nursery, but it made me so frikkin' appreciative of him

It made me deep down wanna thank him and love him

So thank you

Or the time when my mistakes were made public as a youngin'

With that girl that I thought I made a life with or somethin', oh, yeah

Those trials by fire

Burnt by the flames, but came out like a diamond

And with my music you made me lose it, it's back again

You won't ever prohibit me writin' with this pen

You helped me really understand what my purpose was

And now I really see what the hurtin' does

Depression

Because of you, I am who I am

I knew there was a reason me and you became friends

You taught me how to love others better

And how to always be there for my family and friends

You see, people, I'm not alone in my music

It's a gift and I always wanna use it

So if you ever been affected by these lyrics

Don't forget the pain it took to get you to it

Now let's begin

You've got me trippin' where I stepped

You know it

Controller, you've made me all a mess

You hold me so tight in your hands

I'm far from death, but your claws are tearing deep into my neck

Now you've got me trippin'

You know it

Controller on a mission

You hold me so tight in your hands

I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

To those that are battling with depression, know that you're not alone

There is hope