Snippets

I can't tie my laces

I don't play the flute

My car is an automatic

I can't paint my nails

I never applaud

I'm not very good at Twister

And when my laptop crashes

I can't even press control-alt-delete

Cos I've got one hand

Hello can I speak to an emergency physician?

I have here a patient in a terrible condition

He's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a mortician

Haematemesis

Bleurgh

Look at your skin, look at its off-white hue,

Look at your eyeballs too,

They've gone all yellow

You came to me, you thought you had the flu.

I knew that wasn't true.

You wouldn't be yellow

We took some blood off you

That's just a thing we do

To folks who turn yellow

You're yellow like the desert in damascus is

You're yellow cos your liver has metastases

Do you know you're really f**cked you know

You're really f**ked you know

I would jog and I'd start rowing,

Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gym

I'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbing

If I only had some limbs

I would learn to play the trumpet

Cos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grim

I'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torso

If I only had some limbs

Oh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputee

I just hang around all day and watch TV

But that's the life of quadrapleg-ics

I'd play cards and I'd play scrabble,

Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shins

Cos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbate

Oh if I only had some limbs

How can you just walk away from here?

How rude can a doctor be?

You're the orthopaedic registrar and we've been here since 3

You're the only one that we've been waiting for

So take a look at my nan

I think she's got a broken hip

We found her in the bathroom on the floor

You know I think she must have slipped

Take a look at my nan

The casualty doctor stated

One leg is shorter than the other

And it's externally rotated

Well take a look at my nan

Don't you know how long we've waited?

And if you can't fix her, then DNR

And can we have her cremated?

I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retire

I never take a history or consent

My post-op survival rate should be higher

In fact it's only 6 per cent

We work at Denmark Hill for the terminally ill patients

But they're relatively well when they arrive

Cos I invent my own operations

And I'm the only one who leaves theatre alive

We're consultants, we're consultants at King's

We're consultants at King's

Do you feel any better?

Or do you feel the same?

We've done your operation now

And you've just yourself to blame

Now you've got 1 lung, 1 eye,

1 knee below your 1 thigh

We've removed your left hand side

And you're all right now

I get in the way

I don't know what to do or say

But I go in night and day

Vainly hoping someone will teach me

They say not today

Practice taking blood, okay

Me on take (Me on take)

Me on take (Me on take)

Me on take

Take me home