Getting Raptured

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind

should auld acquaintance be forgot

hey everybody, it?s rapture time

I was staring at the clouds from a 747

when I saw that there were thousands

getting sucked up into heaven

and I knew that Armageddon time was nigh

when the Captain said,

"on your right there?s Mother Teresa floating by"

Oh, I could here the passengers behind me start to cheer

when he said, "looks like the whole non-smoking section?s disappeared.

But don?t you fear, even though I?m outta here

you?ve still got the navigator

He?ll stay with the rest of you fornicators and atheists,

insurance salesmen and bigamists,

and certain televangelists and such

and by the way, thanks for flying with us"

Well it?s one of those days

all of my friends are getting raptured

Taken away from their RV?s and their pick-up trucks

by a heavenly Electrolux on super suck

and I?m stuck here in sinners company

Jimmy Swaggart, my mother-in-law and me

Driving home from the airport

the highways were all clear

except for cars with NRA bumper stickers on the rear

I pulled into a burger joint

Gave my order to a sweet blonde who said,

"Would you like some fries with that?"

Zoop she was gone

I finally made it home

I couldn?t take it anymore

when I saw my friend the Jehovah?s Witness

who preaches at my door

He was rising higher and higher saying,

"What do you think about that?

Na na na na na...Thupt!

and I heard...splat!

Well it?s one of those days

all of my friends are getting raptured

Taken away from their RV?s and their pick-up trucks

by a heavenly Electrolux on super suck

and I?m stuck here in sinners company

Madonna, my mother-in-law and me

Now?s the time to fear the most

Armageddon?s getting close

When you hear the Holy Ghost

Who you gonna call, Ghostbusters?

I went to see a friend of mine,

the one who drives a Ford

with the little sign on the window

"Holy rolling with the Lord"

well, she hadn?t yet been raptured

and it made her real upset

she?d been counting on not paying her American Express

She sat poised like a debutante

waiting for a date

and when she finally did get raptured she cried

"Jesus you?re late"

Me, well I was staying

I said, "Hey what I do wrong?"

when a voice from up above said,

"You?re the schmuck who wrote this song"

Well it?s one of those days

all of my friends are getting raptured

Taken away from their RV?s and their pick-up trucks

by a heavenly Electrolux on super suck

and I? mstuck here in sinners company

Rush Limbaugh, my mother-in-law and me

and you sitting there

you missed the rapture too

Happy new year