Dear Anxiety

I wake up, puddle of sweat

I have nightmares when I get back into bed

It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat

In the back of my head

And I can't get them to leave me alone

30 years old but still hates being alone when I'm home

Because that's when the voices get the loudest

Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest

But these demons keep pressing me

I swear they're the foulest

But I've grown comfortable with their presence

My conscious is calloused

My dreams are their playground

My thoughts are their palace

I try to evict them, they return with more

Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store

I was ten the first time I had a panic attack

Like a punch to the stomach, there's no planning for that

And I didn't tell anyone

Because I was too scared about what they'd say

And I know deep down there was nothing

They could do to take it away

It was my fight to fight and my battle to face

I remember that house I grew up in

And how those demons would rattle that place

I'd lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling

I've spent my whole life trying to run away from that feeling

That feeling of being lonely

That feeling of being lost

That feeling of being sick when the lights turn off

That feeling of being depressed

That feeling of being anxious

That feeling of screaming to God

Begging him to take this

Only to get silence in return

I'd lay in that bed crying and I'd toss and I'd turn

And I turn and I toss to this day

The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray

I tried both and this anxiety still hasn't gone away

So forgive me if I fantasise about being gone today

I'm an actor who got really good at being on today

But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows

I'm in the deep end now but I started in the shallows

And I might just drown myself in these waves

Suburban hell, these homes are all graves

Everyone's coping with something but won't admit it

They're all too afraid

And these kids are glued to watching me what do I say?

If I'm honest with them maybe they won't think highly of me

Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be

But everything I really am is what I'm not trying to be

I want them to know that they're not alone in their struggles

I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles

And I don't think I'll ever get out of this valley I'm in

Terrified that all along God has tallied my sins

And if he has the number must be astronomic

My life is a joke and you keep reading

Just pass the comic

Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth

I wish I could open up to you and just let loose

But my vocal cords get tight when the devil pulls on this noose

And them I'm back to keeping everything bottled up inside

But he's not going to keep me from pulling

The throttle back this time

He's not going to keep me trapped like this

I can't get out of bed I was never meant to act like this

I packin' up my bags and he can't stop me

From running fast like this

I'm not going to be a slave to these voices of anxiety

I'm shoving the devil back for every time that he lied to me

And I'm taking a bell to these demons

Who whispered despair in my ear

And I'm ignoring every naysayer

Who stands and stares when I'm near

I'm moving forward out of this slump

I took my bruises, I took my lumps

I fell down but I got right back up

So give me a torch and lets light that up

I'm setting fire to the devil and

I'm dousing these demons in gasoline

Look at you now, now you're not laughing at me

Now whose the one whose being tortured and poked

Now whose the one closing every door that I want

Now whose the one watching the other burn to the ground

Don't look away from me you better turn back around

I'm not done talking to you now

I'm watching your moves, I'm on your back

And I'm stalking you too

And when you try to ruin some other kid's life

I'll be stopping you too

You took thirty years of my life and I can't get that back

You told me to end my life and I nearly got killed for that

You took me down but I bounced right back

I was lost and I got found like that

And everything you told me I wasn't

Someone new told me I was

And everything you hated in me

Someone new told me He loves

And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety

He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me

So I'm done listening to you and letting you control me

I'm announcing it now that the devil can't hold me

I'm walking away from the old me

And I'm demanding a refund on every lie that you sold me

You knew I'd find a way out sooner or later

And I found my escape in the form of a saviour