Folk Monologue

Can I Get My Glass of Tea? Mmm, Nothing Like It!

At This Time I Would Like Very Much to Do a Folksong. Since Folksongs,

I Think Are Still Popular Today. Uhm, This One Is in Latvian and It's

From Latvia. and It's About This Tahitian Girl Who Uhm, Had This Lover.

And Then One Day This Lover Decides That He Doesn't Like Her Anymore

And Likes Her Sister Better. So She Decided That the Only Thing to Do

Naturally Was to Kill Herself, See. So One Day, Oh, Was Very Nice Out

About 75 Degrees, and She Was Taking This Walk Down to the River To

Drown When She, She Tripped Over This Rock See. and Uhm, Oh It Was

Awful I Mean, She Broke Her Glasses, She Scrapped Her Knees. and Uhm,

Just At This Minute the Lover and the Sister Happen to Come By in A

Taxicab. So, See They Saw Her On the Floor and She, Having An

Astigmatism in Her Left Eye, She Thought That It Was a Wild Bore. So,

She Figured Oh Boy I'd Better Get Down to the River Fast to Drown So

She Runs Down There and What Do You Know the River Was Frozen. So I

Mean She Just Stood There You Know and She Went Tchhh, Like That. Tch,

And Uhm, Because, I Mean, She Couldn't Do It That Day. See, It Was A

Small Town They Only Had One River, So. Anyway Than She Figured, Oh

It's Getting Late, Better Get Home Cause Her Mamma Would Be Worried

And Would Kill Her If She Was Late For Supper You Know. So, I Mean,

She Gets Up and She Starts Walking Around Home and She Bumps in To

This Guy, and What Do You Know, He Turns Out to Be An Optometrist.

And Just Happens to Happen to Have Her "suscription". So, Anyway, Uh?

Oh, I'm Sorry "subscription".so Anyway, I Mean, She's I Don't Want

You to Think That This Is One of Those Hollywood-like Stories: She

Gets the Glasses and Sees Happily Ever After. I Mean, This Is, You

Know, no Like That. I Mean She Had to Pay For the Glasses Just Like

You and Me, She ... Well, Oh Well, I Mean, I Don't Want You to Think

That I'm Lying But She Did Get About a Dollar Fifty Off, Dollar

Sixty-five? So Anyway, Uhm... This Guy (Oh) Turned Out to Be Very

Nice and He Even Told Her Where She Could Find Another River.

So, I'll Tell You the Truth, This Girl Was a Real Creep. I Mean,

You Know Who Would Wanna Sing a Song About Her? I Mean, Her Sister

Was Really Much Nicer. and Uhm, I Mean, I, I Think She Came From

A Better Family.

[singing]

Call Me a Boob

Call Me a Schlemiel

Call Me a Brain With a Missing Wheel

Call Me What You Will

But Nonetheless I'm Still

In Love With Harold Mingert

It's Not Because He Has a Car

Arnie Fleisher Has a Car

And a Car Is Just a Car

But If Harold Didn't Have a Car Too His Name

I Guess I'd Love Him Just the Same

Call Me What You Will

But Nonetheless I'm Still

In Love With Harold Mingert

And It's Not Because He Has a Wealthy Family

Arnie Fleischer Has a Wealthy Family

But Money Isn't Everything

And If Harold Didn't Have a Car Too His Name

I Know I'd Love Him Just the Same

But Sometimes I Ask Myself Why Than

Do I Than Love Harold Mingert

Harold Isn't Handsome Or Clever Or Smart

And I Don't Find Romance and a Dance in His Heart

The Only Answers I Can Think About

Harold Mingert's Money and Harold Mingert's Car

Call Me What You Will

But Non the Less I'm Still

In Love With Harold Mingert

Also Arnie Fleisher!