J. R. R. Tolkien VS George R. R. Martin

[George R.R. Martin]

Brace yourself!

Gather up your trolls and your soldier Elves!

And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings

Your Dwarves and Glamdrings

Cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!

My readers fall in love with every character I've written

Then I kill 'em!

And they're like: No! He didn't!

All your bad guys die, and your good guys survive!

We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!

Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies (Yeah)

Ditch the Goonie

And cast a couple boobies!

There’s edgier plots in that David the Gnome

Your Hobbit-hole heroes can’t handle my throne

[J.R.R. Tolkien]

Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves

Horses, fortresses, magic and swords

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack

You want a war, George?

Welcome to Shire-raq!

In book sales you’ve got nothing to say

I’m number one and two

You’re under Fifty Shades of Grey

I’ve got the prose of a pro

Your shit’s subpar

You’re a pirate

You even stole my R. R

Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy

So yes, it’s true-to-life for characters to die randomly

But news flash: The genre’s called fantasy!

It’s meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!

[George R.R. Martin]

I conscientiously object to what you’re doing on these beats

I’ll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast

You went too deep

Professor Tweed Pants

We don’t need the backstory

On every fucking tree branch!

[J.R.R. Tolkien]

I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme

You LARPed your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam

Man, it’s hard for me to take criticism on clothes

From a dude who sends a raven to say hi to his toes

[George R.R. Martin]

Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke

My show’s the hottest thing on HBO!

I’m rock and roll

You’re a nerdy little nebbish

And I may be dirty

But you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg

Even the names of your characters suck

You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks

Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts

[J.R.R. Tolkien]

C.S. lewis and I were just discussing

How you and Jon Snow

Both know nothing!

Because the backstory of my box office is billions

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions

And I’m more rock and roll than you’ve ever been

Don’t believe me?

Ask Led Zeppelin!

You can’t reach this Fellow!

Shit, I’m Two Towering!

Ooh, every time I battle

It’s Return of the King!