Jerry Likes My Corn

Edith

Jerry likes the way i do my corn

Isn't he a treasure?

More corn?

Look at how he chows right through my corn

It's my only pleasure

I boil it on the hot plate

Till all the juice is gone

Bless his soul

He knows which side my corn is buttered on

Jerry lacks a mother's tender care

Nobody to need him

Mother's now are barely ever there

Someone's gotta feed him

The kind of things that i like

His high school friends all scorn:

Cottage cheese, chamomile,

Dr. norman vincent peale

But, jerry likes my corn

(spoken) the things you do for me, jerry. you're my gibraltar.

Jerry

The corn is out of this world!

Edith

Oh, did i do it nicely? he always compliments me on the way i do my corn!

Jerry is a son like my own two

Little edie

Sons who never phone you

Edith

More salt?

Boys have more important things to do

Little edie

After they disown you

Edith

And though he hardly says much

I understand his grunts

"hey" means "hi"

"yo" means "yes"

Believe me, he's no dunce!

Anything that breaks he knows which tool

Jerry is a fixer

(pointing to little edie) not her

Happy hour starts right after school

Jerry, have a mixer

He tells me things the kids like

And i just feel reborn:

Mountain dew, super bowl,

Sex and drugs and rock n' roll

But, most of all, my corn

(spoken) jerry, you know what i'd like? some music. i'm happier when i'm singing than anything i've ever done since i was

Born. see if you can find that song. oh, you know the one i just adore.

Little edie

Let me help, mother darling, i'm extremely organized. i know exactly where to look for that record…

Edith

No! let jerry.

Little edie

I've got it under control, kid, i can find it.

Edith

Jerry can find things in his house--right on this bed--you couldn't find for half an hour.

Little edie

I'm so sick of that kid! i mean, i have great pity for him and i like him.

Edith

The trouble is she's madly in love with him. oh, pardon me, but it's true.

Little edie

Well, he might as well leave right now cause he's never gonna get it so that's it!

Edith

Get what? sex with you?

Little edie

That's all they're after! that's all they're after!

Edith

An old person like you? good god!

Little edie

Tomcats! all of 'em! so you might as well tell him right now to forget about it.

Edith

Jerry doesn't want any sex with you

Jerry likes his own age

Little edie

Oh yes!

Edith

Kids at seventeen do not pursue

Relics of the stone age

Little edie

Believe me, i can tell these things!

Edith

Jerry doesn't want any sex with you

Jerry isn't crazy

Adolescent girls now are easy lays

Same as edie in her awkward phase

Jerry has a new girl every night

And not a one of them have cellulite…

Little edie

He's gonna be here for years and years and years…

Edith

He doesn't want any sex with you! get out of here!

Litte edie

I want the people i want in this house!

Edith

Go away! you're making me very angry!

Jerry doesn't fight like two fish wives

Jerry likes relaxing

(me too)

Now and then we play my forty-fives

Hear the old sad sax sing

No picnic growing older

Abandon and forlorn

Stuck in bed, stiff with gout

Alcoholic drinks are out--

You'll die!

The doctor's warn

Then quick as a wink

I'm in the pink

'cause jerry likes my corn

(spoken) i tell ya, that boy is a gift.