National Shite Day

Pulling the ice axe from my leg

I staggered on

Spindrift stinging my remaining eye

I finally managed to reach the station

Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down

After wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement service

I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with

Probably by a junior employee

Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM

Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle

Stockard Channing held sway

Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention

I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette

i.e sidle out of the store gingerly

Embrace the margin

Fat kids with sausage rolls

Poor sods conducting polls

There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets

I try to put everything into perspective

Set it against the scale of human suffering

And I thought of the Mugabe government

And the children of the Calcutta railways

This works for a while

But then I encounter Primark FM

Overhead a rainbow appears

In black and white

Shite Day

I guess this must be National Shite Day

This surely must be National Shite Day

Don't tell me, it's National Shite Day

Float' float on

Float' float on

Barry' Herpes

I got a letter from Stringy Bob

Still on suicide watch

Screws not happy

Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association

Was roundly ignored

What news you

I felt sorry for him

He'd only been locked up for public nuisance offences

One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary

Found a dead wading bird

Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool

With a note inside which read: 'Is this your Sanderling?'

Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press

'Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.

Must be committed, no time wasters'

You can guess the rest

I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills

To be found months later

His carcass stripped by homeless dogs

His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow

I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket

All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark

May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob

Shite Day

I do believe it's National Shite Day

It all points to National Shite Day

Someone's declared it National Shite Day

Shite Day

My birthday! On National Shite Day

No bogroll, it's National Shite Day

Cue drumroll, it's National Shite Day