The Referees Alphabet

The A is for my authority

which many players seem to question,

thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind

B is for babies

which a lot of managers cry like

after a decision has not gone their way

C is for the continual criticism i recieve from the touchline

get back in your technical area!

D is for the dunderheads

who seem to think we have a conspiracy

against their particular team

E is for the eery silence that echoes around the ground

after I've booked the home teams player

and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it

F is the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there

The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on £90,000 a week

and reckoned he should have had a throw in

H is for handball

which has to be intentional and very rarely is

if only people would study the rules more

I is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender

after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger

J is for ju-jitsu, which i quite intend to display given a dark alley

and some of the narky blerts ive encountered

K is for the kissing of the badge

how ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another club

L is for lip reading, at which you dont need to be an expert

to see how odious some people are

M is for the mistakes we sometimes make

surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal

The N, the N is for the numbskull who during the boxing day game

asks me what else i got for christmas besides my whistle

an afternoon with your wife mate

The O is for offside

which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been

The P is for the penalty shootout

great drama and no pressure on me

Q is the quiet word i sometimes need to have

with some of the more fiery participants

i usually choose the word 'pleat'

R is for running backwards

a difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate

S is for the suggestion that i should have awarded a card of some sort

to a player whos just been awarded a free kick

sorry i got all that wrong the S again

okay the S, the S is the suggestion that i should show a card to an opponent

by a player whos been awarded a free kick

he himself is more in danger of getting one for that

T is for the 21 man brawl

whiuch is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving

U is for the umpire which i sometimes wish id been instead

you never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the bastard in the hat

The V is for vitriol vilification vendetta and volley of verbal abuse

some good bird noises there by the way

W is for walter pidgeon

whos mr Griffiths in 'how green was my valley'

i may have started to sound like during this song

'where was the light i thought to see in your eye'

he says that to a young huw played by roddy McDowall

The X

The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by the swarthy potugese center half

who i just dismissed

The Y is for Yate

the kind of town referees come from

And the Z

Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff

Even Zondervan

but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work

without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs

and without refs, well zero

See also Zatopek, Zeus

and Zeal Monachorum

I have a caravan there

static naturally

Wouldnt it be fun if the gave the ref a gun