The Haunting

[SHAWNTEL]

One day you're seventeen,

Seventeen, seventeen,

Then, just before you're eighteen,

Eighteen,

Suddenly, suddenly,

You realise you're fifty-six!

[JERRY (spoken)]

Fifty-six?

Well... you've got your whole life ahead of you!

And you're one good looking woman!

[SHAWNTEL]

He was handsome,

He was smart,

He betrayed every friend,

He broke every heart

Ah. Ah.

But one day he awoke,

To a scene that made him,

He'd been drugged up and fucked,

By some sailors on leave,

Sailors on leave,

Hired and payed for by me!

[JERRY (spoken)]

You got him a sailor, Shawntel?

Chucky, you're a lucky guy, all my wife ever got me was a reflexologist!

[CHUCKY]

I came home from a titty bar,

Where I'd spent all night,

She covers me in kerosene,

And sets me fucking alight.

[JERRY (spoken)]

You set him on fire?! Your husband of fifteen years?!

What was it, your anniversary?

[ANDREA]

Light of my life,

Fire of my loins,

Lover and laugher,

And drinker and friend,

You stole my dreams,

You broke my jaw,

But you said you were sorry,

So I came back for more.

[ENSEMBLE]

Stupid whore.

[ANDREA AND ENSEMBLE]

Came back for more.

[ENSEMBLE]

Stupid whore.

[ANDREA AND ENSEMBLE]

Came back for more.

More. More.

More. More.

More.

[JERRY (spoken)]

If there's one thing that really sickens me, it's violence...

Unless it's on TV, in a carefully controlled environment.

[TREMONT]

Well you fall in love,

It could last forever,

But usually it lasts about a month,

So I shot myself in the head,

But I missed and ended up half-dead,

Now there's a hole where my brain used to be,

I'm hooked to a monitor, I find it hard to pee,

I slur and I dribble and I live off my drip-feed,

But I still can get a hard on if I jerk 'til I bleed!

Jerk 'til I bleed!

Jerk 'til I bleed!

Jerk 'til I bleed!

[JERRY (spoken)]

Well... at least something good came out of it...

[DWIGHT]

I made love to a dying man,

I knew he was dying,

Cos I was holding the pillow,

Over his face.

[JERRY (spoken)]

Steve, I think we should get the hell out of here.

[IRENE]

There is only one cure for unrequited love,

Chocolate and howling at the moon,

Ahh-roo!

[ENSEMBLE]

Ahh-roo! Ahh-roo!

Ahh-roo!

Ahh-roo! Ahh-roo!

Ahh-roo!

Eat, excrete and watch TV...

[IRENE]

Eat, excrete and watch TV.

[JERRY (spoken)]

You know, it's been great catching up with you guys.

And you've taken some pretty hard knocks.

But you know, you've gotta pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off,

and have a magical day!

[ENSEMBLE]

Behind you! Behind you! Behind you!

Dies irea! Dies irea!

[JERRY (spoken)]

What now?

[ENSEMBLE]

Dead woman walking,

Dead woman walking.

[JERRY (spoken)]

Baby Jane! You look like shit, what happened to you?!

[BABY JANE]

Mama gave me smack on the asshole,

Mama gave me smack on the head,

But Mama gave me smack with a monkey wrench,

And now I am dead.

[JERRY (spoken)]

You know, Steve.

Someone with less broadcasting experience might feel responcible...

[BABY JANE]

Your dreams take place in Manhattan,

Ours take place in Minnesotta,

Your dreams are driven in a Bentley,

Ours in a rusty Skoda,

Big dreams and small dreams,

Like all dreams, just stay dreams.

[JERRY (spoken)]

This must be what guilt feels like...

[BABY JANE]

That was my Jerry Springer moment,

I didn't want that moment to die!

Seen across the nation,

On worldwide TV,

Except developing countries,

And Germany.

[JERRY (spoken)]

I'll never know why they didn't pick up the show in Germany,

but don't get me started!

[ENSEMBLE]

Oh, how my heart aches for love,

Aches for love,

Oh, how my heart aches for love,

Aches for love,

Oh, how my heart,

Oh, how my heart,

Aches! Aches! Aches!

[JERRY (spoken)]

Let's clear up a basic misunderstanding right now.

You all wanted to be on the show. You all had your fifteen seconds of fame.

You all got to stay in the three-star hotel, minus minibar bills, Chucky.

You all had an all-expenses paid trip to Chicago.

That's Chicago, the windy city! The city of... wind! You all knew the risks.

You signed the disclaimer.

So stop breaking my balls and get out of my fa... Steve? Where the fuck are we?

[BABY JANE]

Jerry, Jerry!

You have been chosen!

[JERRY (spoken)]

Chosen? Is that a good thing? Can you be a bit more specific?

[BABY JANE]

Chosen! Chosen!

[JERRY (spoken)]

Chosen for what?! Will you people stop fucking with me?!

[ENSEMBLE]

Lo! He comes!

Lo! He comes!