The Illiterate's Alphabet

A is for r as in are you sixteen

Also for aural if you see what I mean

C is for cue with which pool is played

And d is for duty which we try to evade

E is for eye, it’s open you see

F is for f with asterisks three

G’s for the gnat which gnaws on a gnu

And h is for honest, would I lie to you?

Honour your teacher and see you do well

Then you’ll be certain you’ll know how to spell

I’s not for einstein or eiderdown either

J is for jasmin, no girl could be blither

K’s for her knickers but not those who take ‘em

And l’s for llandudno if I’m not mistaken

M’s for mnemonics with initials so neat

N’s in conclusive but not in complete

O is for oestrogen or so they do tell

And p’s for phonetics which help us to spell

Honour your teacher and see you do well

Then you’ll be certain you’ll know how to spell

Q’s for the quay where boats tie along

R’s not for writing unless you’ve writ wrong

S is for sea which laps on the shore

And t’s for tsunami which does slightly more

U’s for uranus, it is I insist

V’s for a void which we all try to miss

W’s for why but also for who

And x is for xerox and xylophone too

Honour your teacher and see you do well

Then you’ll be certain you’ll know how to spell

Y is for you but then so is e

Z’s not for tsar, that’s c or it’s t

You’ll notice I missed out the one before c

Well for present purposes it’s an absolute b