Cold Blooded Christmas

It was late at night on Christmas eve

I was dreaming of the soft white snow

I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree

What it was i did not know

It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts

Unfortunately i did not know that

So i quietly snuck up behind him

And i shot him five times in the back

It went pow pow pow pow pow

He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow"

Then i shot him three more times in the head

Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead

That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard

And his red suit filled with bullet holes

I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause

I'm not going to jail for this asshole"

So i went to my shed and i got my saw

And i started to choppipty chop chop

I started with his arms then his legs then his head

And then the torso was a really long job

And the blood went spurt spurt spurt

It was really hard work work work

It was hard cutting through his spine

I must have vomited sixteen times

I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace

The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose

Eleven hours later there was nothing left

And that's when i heard my telephone

It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob

She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause

But he didn't come home last night

Have you seen him god i hope he's alright"