Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a bad mother fucker

He was seventeen feet tall, he had a hundred and fifty wives

He didn't do that much except he saved the game of baseball

He put two and two together and he noticed it was four

Now the treachery of Shoeless Joe can't hurt us anymore

And he'll always be remembered as Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Fellow named Joe Jackson was a fielder for the Black Sox

And he always wore his black socks, but he never wore no shoes

He weren't the nicest fellow and he had a couple problems

Cause he drank a lot and he beat his wife and he always acted rude

He killed and ate some babies and he copped an attitude

And the one man that he hated most was Kenesaw Mountain Landis

The mafia said Shoeless Joe

You should really run this show

You should be the guy who owns baseball

And all you really gotta do

Is help us make a buck or two

We'll bet on the other team

You'll lose the game but make it seem

Like nothing could be further from the truth

Shoeless Joe did what they said he dropped a couple fly balls

And he walked up to the pitcher and he poked him in the eye

And in the seventh inning with the Black Sox nearly beaten

There was someone who was watching from his blimp above the stands

Cradling a rifle in his thick and meaty hands

And as if you hadn't guessed yet it was Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Kenesaw said drop that glove

Or I swear by God above

I'll make you regret playing baseball

And Shoeless Joe looked up and saw

The silver rifle's gaping maw

And though no one had noticed yet

His underwear was getting wet

He peed himself in front of everyone

Shoeless Joe was finished but he couldn't quite admit it

So he raised his middle finger up above the other four

And Kenesaw took careful aim and fired a single bullet

And he shot that dirty finger off and he dropped his trusty gun

And everybody in the stands knew that he had won

And today they still refer to him as Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Shoeless Joe left baseball and because a famous pop star

And he asked the musical question is she really going out with him

He had a couple albums and a comeback in the 80's

But he never won a Grammy and he never was the same

And he never could be satisfied with critical acclaim

Cause the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello

Yes the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello