ANTIMATTER

(spoken)

Recently, the Times reported that scientists in Europe have created antimatter. It's about time. I have been waiting. I have worked hard, logging endless hours watching Star Trek and reading science fiction books and thinking and imagining what I would do if there really was antimatter.

I would dream about what superhero I would wanna become: Bigdickman, whose penis is normally a mere seven-and-one-half inches but when there's danger nearby would swell to the size of six mortal men and form a crimefighting team to rival The Legion of Superheroes or The Fantastic Four. Or perhaps Ordinaryman, a man so pedestrian that he can bore villains to death with a single story.

But then I thought, "Scientists in Europe? Why does the Times say 'scientists in Europe'? Where in Europe were these scientists who created the antimatter?" Were they, perhaps, German scientists? Was the Times afraid that a headline or even a lead sentence proclaiming that German scientists have created antimatter might frighten people? Or is the truth even darker? Is it possible that the Times is working with the evil German scientists to create a master race of bigdickmen or ordinarymen who will fuck or bore us to death? These are frightening times in which we live.

So I decided to read some more of the article, and it turns out that the antimatter was created near Geneva. Switzerland. So, a master race of chocolatemen who will envelop us to death, or maybe just drive us insane by just standing around, all delicious and whatnot, until all of us and each of us, one by one, dives into one of these magical antimatter chocolate beings and is engulfed in its deep dark richness.

(sung)

Antimatter chocolatemen

Antimatter chocolatemen

Antimatter chocolatemen

Antimatter chocolatemen

(spoken)

By the way, I apologize for the use of the male pronoun throughout this work. I was raised on comic books in an age where there were few female superheroes, although in the '70s I frequently jerked off to Linda Carter as Wonder Woman, capturing me in her golden lasso and making me do whatever she wanted. But see, she wasn't made of antimatter is the problem there.