DSM-V

In my memories

I can see the sky as it was when I was a child

Gazing up above the fences of our yard

It was endless, so beautiful and blue

My world, the world I knew was so small

Our humble home the universe

There were no crowds, no town

No thoughts of backing out

I haven't been able to since then

To just lie in the grass

And let my thoughts run into those endless skies

To lose all track of time

And just live again

Everything has changed now, and changed forever

I can't see the vibrant colours as they used to be

Or hear the wind rustling through the trees

It's all lost it's flavour

All hope has slowly been replaced by fear

Fear of destitution, fear of rejection and of failure

Fear of losing it all

I sometimes feel that the only reason for perseverance

Is in the hope of feeling once more like we did when we were children

Of feeling the security of our family, and of our childhood

And the belief that things really would get better

I chanced to walk past that old house the other day

I am still there, somehow, lying in the grass

Looking up and watching the clouds pass by

The child is still there, in that calm world

Forever innocent, forever hopeful

His Mother and Father will always be there to love him

I thought to myself as I passed

That I have made so many mistakes in my life

I have drifted so far from the path

That I can no longer find my way back through the darkness

That I have failed this child so utterly, so completely

Just as the reality of the world has failed him

That I don't deserve to be here, in this place

I stood then and looked at our house one last time

Just long enough to allow what happiness remained in me

To leave my body, and rejoin that child in his perfect world

Of love and joy, and laughter

Of warmth and peace, and beauty

Before turning back toward the decaying highway

And returning to the awful mess my life has become