I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual

[Aunt Ida Nelson:] "Have you met any nice boys in The Swan?"

[Gator:] "Oh, pretty nice."

[Aunt Ida:] "I mean any nice queer boys. Did you fool with any of them?"

[Gator:] "Aunt Ida, you know I dig women."

[Aunt Ida:] "Aw, don't tell me that."

[Gator:] "Christ, let's not go through this again."

[Aunt Ida:] "All those beauticans, and you don't have any boy dates?"

[Gator:] "I don't want any boy dates."

[Aunt Ida:] "Oh honey, I'd be so happy if you turned nally."

[Gator:] "Hey, no way. I'm straight. I mean I like a lot of queers, but I don't dig their equipment, y'know? I like women."

[Aunt Ida:] "But you can change. Queers are just better. I'd be so proud if you was a fag, and had a nice beautician boyfriend. I'd never have to worry."

[Gator:] "There ain't nothing to worry about."

[Aunt Ida:] "I'm worried that you'll work in an office, get married, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of heterosexuals is a sick and boring life."

[Gator:] "Sometimes I think you're fucking crazy. I'm real happy just the way I am."

People are telling me that I'm missing out on the fun.

'Cause I don't go anywhere, and I don't meet anyone.

But I know how rumors fly.

When you're a lonely guy.

And I'm here to tell you it's a lie.

There's stange things going on at night most everywhere.

You know those places, well you'll never see me there.

I walk by other men.

And I don't notice them.

But then those rumors start again.

So I'm gonna tell the world.

I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

I'm gonna find a girl.

'Cause I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

I guess that it's okay.

If other guys are gay.

But my hormones are one-directional.

And I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

Somebody tell me what I did to start this talk.

Is it the way I look? Is it the way I walk?

Is it the clothes I wear,

that make the people stare?

Is it the way I comb my hair?

I'm only hoping maybe there will come a day

When I can make them understand that I'm not gay.

But 'till that day is near,

Iguess I'll live in fear.

And I curse the day I pierce my ear.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

Know what I want to be.

And I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

Soft boys and closet queens,

think Judy Garland's keen.

But I don't think she's nothing special.

And I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

[instrumental break]

So now I'm wondering if maybe they're not right.

'Cause I've gone all paranoid and I can't sleep at night.

I went to see the shrink.

What did the doctor think?

I swear to god I saw him wink.

I pray to God I'm wrong

I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

Why did I write this song

If I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual?

I hope it's not too late,

for them to set me straight.

I've got to see a real professional.

'Cause I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual, no!

No no no no. No no no no no no no.

I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be

I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.

[repeated in background]

I don't wanna go with guys named Shamus.

I don't wanna be rich and famous.

I don't wanna go to a French art festival

and I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual.