A Boy And His Boat

Hey It's Link! I'm back and I'm sailing on a ship

I'm the King of Red Lions

Yo, I don't give a shit

If there's one thing I've learned from years of saving this land

It's all I really need is a sword and shield on my hand

But look over there! That sign says: Beware!

A giant pit no one can jump, you can't fly through the air

You'll need a special item to get through that moat

But what do I know, right? I'm just a fuckin' boat

Fuck, alright, shit, okay

I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way

But as far as I'm concerned all I need is swordplay

Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, OK?

Your quest is long and the road is tough

The path is dark, you're gonna need a shitload of stuff

No lives are spared, you'd better be prepared

Moblin fangs and a boomerang

And a cloth to shield that nasty wang

From Majora's Mask to an empty flask

Here's what you'll need to complete your task

A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key

And a second place trophy from a local spelling bee

A candle with a handle, and a single Velcro sandal

Is this an old court order from a drug related scandal? (No!)

Hey boat, all these item hurt my back, it's a lot

Pop a Tylenol, you bitch! You've got 87 slots

Here's a hammer that can break any kind of rock it hits

And a full-sized studio drum kits

A giant used Q-tip, a really small cruise ship

A parent's signature for a Disneyland school trip?

Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax

And a legendary sacred hidden golden tome of fart jokes

This Wind Waker lets you control the air

And this Sit Maker is a really comfortable reclining chair

The road is long, you must protect that schlong

Noble stallions and quake medallions

You're a bigger deal than plumbing Italians

Sourdough, a herd of buffalo

Just a few more thing and you're ready to go

Your grandma's glass eyeball, 80 pounds of drywall

And every single item from the March issue of Skymall?

A vegan pasta maker, the wrestle Undertaker

An odd number of crutches, and a family of Quakers

A basket of muffins, a turkey with the stuffin'

A pillow that needs fluffin', a society of puffins

A fresh unopened box of race-quality potato sacks

46 copies of The Jerk on Betamax

It's getting kinda heavy

I don't care, here's a Chevy and The Wacky World of Mini Golf

Starring Eugene Levy

Oh my God! I absolutely cannot carry one more thing

Don't you worry, all that's left is this single piece of string