Thirty

There was a time you put your hand on the small of my back

I was surprised that you touched me like that

But there in your hand was a current of life

I could hardly stand, I stayed still and I didn't mention it

If I did, I'd have made some joke of it

It was strange how I could feel so sane

So plain when you're around

And unbidden to me, there it rose, the fantasy

Colored rose and easy

Yeah, I could see it so simple, unsubtle, impossible, clearly and strange

Far and as close as a mountain range on the horizon

Driving all day, there I was, so sane

So plain after everything

Gas came down from a buck-twenty

The joke was how it broke the economy anyhow

The dollar was down, but my friends opened businesses

There were new children and again, I didn't get married

I wasn't close to my family

And my dad was raising a child in Nairobi

She was three now, he told me

Gas stations I laughed in

I noticed fucking everything

The light, the reflections

Different languages, your expressions

We would fall down laughing

Effervescent

And all over nothing

All over nothing

Just as though it was a joke my whole life through

All of the pain and sorrow I knew

All of the tears that had fallen from my eyes

I can't say why we walked in the park under the shade

I avoided your eyes

I was ashamed of my own mind

No SSRIs

My day is dark as your night

Oh, you got the kindest of eyes

I cannot help but notice sometimes

But you know, as do I

I cannot look twice without falling right

Into the sweet and the tender line between

Something I can and can never be

And just then an ambulance passed on the street

And you took my arm reflexively

That was the year I was thirty

That was the year you were thirty-one

That was the year that we lost, or we won

That was the year I was thirty

That was the year you were thirty-one

That was that year, now here

Now here is another one