5 Poofs And 2 Pianos

Yesterday I spent about an hour and a half trying to write up the lyrics to tim minchin's excellent song that he wrote and performed on friday night with jonathon ross

Obviously I don't want to infer that being invited onto friday night with wossy isn't wonderfully affirming

And I know I 'orta

Appreciate the risk you took the bookers who agreed to book a chap

Who tends to talk about the kind of things that get the bbc, in hot water

And I don't want to seem greedy, I'm just saying

I'd like to be here every week, if that's ok and if you hear me out

I think I've got a way in which we could do it pretty easily

You could leave all the boring details to me

It's a brilliant idea, a truly original concept

No one in britain has ever done anything like it, yeah

Picture this

Imagine if we had

5 Poofs and 2 pianos

Yeah, it's a wicked idea

Why settle for a quartet of queers

When there's a possibility of a penta-poofter-piano-posse here

5 Poofs and 2 pianos

Yeah, it'll be ace

A 100% more pianos

And 25% more gays

I know, I know

I've seen the problem too

There's a rumour, I am straight it's true

It hurts to admit it, but I'm about as bent as wossy himself... Or 50 cent

But I've already thought it through

D'you know there's preachers in america who reckon they can do

Sexuality conversions, I've heard them assert

They can cure a man of trouser love and turn him onto skirt

But I don't see why they couldn't pull the same trick in reverse

And we'd have

5 Poofs and 2 pianos

Yeah, it's a revolution

Probably the best solution

To the problem you're inevitably having with an even number of homosexuals

Yes I know

Your producers might suspect

That the license paying public will object

To the corporation having yet another homosexual to pay

The daily mail will bring the big guns out

Jan moir will be frothing at the mouth

Writing further brilliant stuff about

The myth of being both happy and gay

But all that moral indignation

Will disappear when they see

Those 4 lovely guys and me

Singing in perfect harmony

And all those angry letter writers

Like disgusted from the isle of wight

And mad from hull and outraged from leeds

And slightly annoyed from berwick-on-tweed

Will instantly change their tune

They'll be bleeding heart liberals by saturday noon

They'll be giving their grandchildren up for adoption

In the hope that gay married couple will adopt them

They'll be putting rainbow stickers on their cars

And cutting holes in the arse of their leather strays

Watching 2 pianos and 5 guys

Watching 2 pianos and 5 guys

Watching 2 pianos and 5

5 Poofs and 2 pianos

Yeah, it'll be grand

You can never have too many pianos

Or too much man

5 Poofs and 2 pianos

And maybe would could out jamie cullum

Make it a trio of pianos

And a big gay half-dozen