A.g.m.

Spider: What was the AGM about then?

Den: It was... the AGM of Bad News was about, what are we gonna call the album? So, I declare

this meeting open, and er... Colin is taking the minutes...

Vim: Can I say a few words first?

Colin: Well...

Den: No. The meeting is now open.

Colin: Yes, we have to start the meeting like we do all the meetings.

Vim: Alright.

Den: I am the chairman.

Colin: Den, as always, is the chairman. I'm taking minutes.

Den: I am the chairman, you are taking minutes. Do we have all the members of Bad News

present?

Colin: I shall ask for a head count.

Spider: Present. Present!

Colin: We have to do this properly like we always do...

Vim: There's four heads.

Colin: I have to do the head count like we always do at the meeting.

Vim: There's ALWAYS four heads.

Colin: Please! Please.

Vim: Alright.

Colin: If we want to decide on a title for the album...

Den: My forehead's above my eyebrows.

Colin: If we're going to decide on a title for the album then we must do it as a band, as a

democracy. I'll do the head count. Den Dennis, are you present?

Den: Yes, I am present.

Colin: Spider Webb, are you present?

Spider: Present, Sir!

Colin: Colin Grigson, are you present? Yes, I am present. Alan?

Vim: Yeah?

Colin: Are you here?

Vim: (laughs) Yeah, course I'm fuckin' here!

Colin: Alright then, well, look at me when I ask you.

Vim: Huh!

Colin: Vim Fuego, are you present?

Vim: Vim Fuego is here. All kneel and praise him.

Colin: All are... please! All are present, Mr Chairman.

Den: I now declare this AGM open, and... who is going to speak first?

Vim: Why do we have AGMs every fuckin' week? It's supposed to be annual, isn't it?

Colin: (sighs)

Den: I thought it was every day.

Colin: Well, it's turning out to be every day, because you've got...

Vim: (breaks wind) Oh, sorry.

Den: Hang on, hang on, it says here in the constitution, no farting at an AGM!

Colin: Open the window! Where's the window?

Den: There isn't a window, we're in a windowless void.

Vim: Oh God! Right, can I say a few words now?

Colin: To propose the motion of the title of the album, I call upon Vim Fuego.

Vim: I'd like to say...

Colin: Mr Fuego, what is your, er, thing?

Vim: I'd like to say that I think we're doing very, very well on this album. I think

everyone's playing has become immeasurably better. I don't think I've ever played with a

better bass player, I think he's really got the... thing, you know...

Den: What?

Vim: I think Spider's drumming is immaculate...

(Murmurs of agreement.)

Vim: ...and even Den is surpassing, you know... even Richie Blackmore's standards... and I

think we should call the album "Vim Fuego".

(Pause.)

Den: Yeah...

Colin: Hmmm. Well, Dennis had a much better idea for the album title, didn't you?

Den: Yeah, what happened to "Satan Ate My Knob"?

Colin: Well, EMI said that we couldn't say it, it was... it was obscene and anti-Christian.

Spider: And also, there was, erm...

Vim: They're bloody picky, aren't they?

Spider: But you've got a problem with the Trade Descriptions Act, you see, 'cause he didn't.

Colin: Yes, there's that as well, yes.

Den: Oh, that's a point, yeah.

Vim: Yeah. They're not to know that, though.

Colin: You could say, er...

Den: "Satan Would Like To Eat My Knob."

Colin: Ah, but even then, you can't prove it.

Vim: Either... someone might see Satan one day and he might have thought that one day he'd

eat our knobs.

Colin: You could say "In my opinion... Satan might..."

Spider: Could be... could be seen to be eating your knob.

Colin: Could be in a mood...

Den: Well, not "seen to be"...

Colin: Could be seen to...

Den: ...'cause, I mean, you know, what if he doesn't? Then no-one's ever seen him do it.

Colin: Mmm, mmm... "In My Imagination I Have Sometimes Thought About Satan Eating My Knob."

Perhaps we could call the album that.

Vim: Why couldn't we have "Satan Ate My Head", and then...

Colin: Because he hasn't! We've been through all this!

Den: Trades description fuck-up.

Colin: I mean, cool out. Cool out.

Den: What about "Paranoid Greatest Hits"?

Vim: (laughs) That's a real one though, isn't it?

Den: No.

Vim: No, it's Sabbath.

Den: No, it's not the Sabs.

Vim: Purps?

Den: It's not the Sabs.

Vim: Well, what are good titles that other bands have had, then?

(Pause.)

Colin: ..."Slippery When Wet"?

Den: Er...

Vim: "Slippery When Wet" is quite good.

Den: (opens door) I'm just going for a piss.

Colin: Not bad.

Vim: That's not bad!

Colin: Not bad.

Den: Right. I now declare this meeting closed.

Colin: Good. Any other business?

Den: Well, if we can't play, 'cause there's no instruments and Brian's away doing an album

with Lulu...

Spider: No, Anita... Anita...

Colin: Anita Harris.

Spider: ...Harris.

Den: Or Anita Harris, well, anyway...

Colin: (belches)

Den: ...if they're away doing an album, why don't we just drink a lot instead?