Phosphenes

I feel the veins that sit behind my eyes

Grow varicose as gentle light starts filtering through fractured blinds

That shade the world from me

You’d always watch me as I’d wax and wane

Fluoxetine and slow decay

Dependence on a medicine is hell without relief

I am bereft of the ineffable affection I feel I am owed

My vacancy and apathy are all that I have left to show

For years I spent in isolation

For chemicals that took the place of fleeting moments

In which I found reprieve from misery

And it seems the only solace I’m afforded

Is now instead of wanting to kill myself I just sleep

I guess progress really isn’t want I thought it would be

And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse

I’m left to contemplate if I’m really getting better

Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart

My dichotomy has always been

That I’m scared of burdening those who love me

But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely

But maybe it’s all in my head

The irony I face is that whenever I try to medicate my aches

It kills the only part of me that makes me want to stay

And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse

I’m left to contemplate if I’m really getting better

Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart