Wavering

I've let melancholy permeate my epidermis

It resonates with every word and I'm stirred awake at night

Because my mind is but a pendulum that oscillates

It swings from grief that suffocates

To brevity my voice can't shake

I stutter when I speak 'cause I'm still so weak

I guess the notion of content has always felt incongruent

But it took a long time to be honest with myself

About the solipsistic attitude I take towards my health

Oh, how it pains me to admit it

But I'm far from self-sufficient

My independence stolen

By persistent mental illness

Please, don't mistake my silence for ignorance

I'm trying to be better at this

But I'm sick and tired of self-abusing

And making excuses for why

I hesitate to lead a life that should elate me

I'm remind daily that my depression can't be justified

But I can't seem to quieten down my mind

I've always been ashamed to say that maybe I need help

But it's either that, or face the fact I may end up killing myself

I can't tell if I'm a coward for being scared to leave

Or if I'm brave for staying when I'm riddled with worry

So, this is an open letter to myself in ten years' time

I'm sorry if you're not around to read this

I swear that I tried