But I'm Yours

Lois: Well I think you are the sweetest man in the whole world.

Peter: Well this guy ain't going anywhere Lois. Hey let me tell you something. I know i haven't always been the perfect spouse.

Lois: You do OK.

Peter: I drink too much and leave the cans around the house.

Lois: Well you do do that.

Peter: And once I cleaned up Stewie's doody with your blouse.

Lois: What?!

Peter: I may be thoughtless.

Lois: No you're not.

Peter: I may be sloppy

Lois: Well, a little

Peter: I may be stupid.

Lois: Well, a lot.

Peter: But I'm yours

Lois: You're figure isn't always what it ought to be.

Peter: Eh, I gotta lose five pounds.

Lois: But rollie-pollie belly's never bothered me.

Peter: Thank you.

Lois: Or that you scream for hours when you hurt your knee.

Peter: (Breathes in) Ahh(breathes out). {Just like he did when he fell after finding the pawtucket scroll}.

Peter: I may be chubby.

Lois; Well, 296.

Peter: I may be lazy.

Lois: sorry, 298.

Peter: I may be clumsy

Lois: Only often

Peter; But I'm yours

Lois: What if one day a rapist attacked me?

Peter: i would use him to mop up the street.

Lois: You would?

Peter: You bet. I got a left hook.

Lois: What if he was big?

Peter: I got a right hook

Lois: What if he was a woman?

Peter: I got a camera, freaking sweet.

Peter/Lois: I/You may be brainless.

Peter/Lois: I/You may be witless.

Peter: I may be Irish.

Peter: But I'm yours.

Lois: And would you wash the dishes if I asked you to?

That kind of thing is every woman's dream come true.

Peter: I'll do 'em when this very special Coach is through.

Lois: Will you empty the trash?

Peter: I got a backache.

Lois: Will you fix the toilet?

Peter: I got a headache.

Lois: Will you vacuum the den?

Peter: I got a penis

Lois: You're a sexist.

Peter: But I'm yours.

Lois: They say a man should treat his lady like a prize.

A goddess Greek to worship with adoring eyes.

Peter: But I won't do that Greeky thing of humpin' guys.

Peter: I may be phobic

I may be stinky

I may be farting {farts}

But I'm yours.

Lois: Would you brave any hurdle to save me?

Peter: I would slay any foes by the scores.

Lois: Lions?

Peter: I got a shotgun.

Lois: Tigers?

Peter: I got a blowtorch.

Lois: The Christian right?

Peter: I got a porno.

Lois: That'll do it.

Peter: 'Cause I'm yours.

Peter/Lois: I/You may be dopey.

Peter/Lois: I/You may be messy.

Peter/Lois: I/You may be Peter.

Peter/Lois: And I'm yours.

{Applause}

Brian: Hey, you smell something?

Stewie: Oh, dear.

Brian: What?

Stewie: Oh, dear.

Brian: What's the matter?

Stewie: Oh you're not going to like this.

Brian: What?

Stewie: I just made a doody.

Brian: Oh, God.

Stewie: I'm sorry, it just slipped out unannounced.

Brian: What do you mean "unannounced"?

Stewie: Well, normally the doody schedules an exit interview before it departs, but this one seems to have no regard for protocol.

Brian: Do you need a change?

Stewie: No no, it's alright. Op, there's another one.

Brian: Christ, let's hurry up and get to the next number. Here's a favorite of mine by the great Antonio Carlos Jobim.