The Groupie Routine

I mean, really, really, I mean, you guys,

What can I say, you guys are my favorite band

You gotta tell me somethin',

Are you here in Hollywood long?

I mean, I just...

No, I'm ah, we're recording here in town

You're recording here?

Yeah, at the Record Plant

The Record Plant?

Yeah

Oh, Bobby Sherman records here

I just love Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy

Do you know David Cassidy?

No, I...

Have you ever run into any members of the Tree Dog Night?

Joe Shermy once I...

Oh! They are my favorite band!

They're so professional, I mean...

So creative...

How 'bout David Crosby? I mean...

He's so in, you know, I...

No, I never...

He's...he just knows...

I mean, he almost cut his hair but he didn't

No, listen, ah, do you know how...

Do you know how to get to the Chateau Mormon from here?

Not exactly...is it by the, by the airport?

No no, we don't, we have a bus on this particular thing

Oh!

Yeah

Tell me one thing: do you like my new car?

Oh yeah! It's a...Pavilion, isn't it?

Oh, not just a Pavilion, it's a Pauley Pavilion

Oh!

Yeah, it's real futuristic,

I like the little naked man turn signals

So ah, we gotta get up, you know,

And ah, go to the studio in the morning

And then we groove court for about two weeks

And then we ah, we leave again

Oh, really?

Where do you play when you go from here?

Ah, let me see...Needles...

Oh oh! You guys are so professional

No, it's nothing...

I mean the way you get to travel to all those exotic towns

You get to playin' and playin' in all these great sounding

halls

Tell me somethin': do you really have a hitsingle in the

charts now?

Right now, I mean, with a bullet?

That's really important

Listen baby, would I lie to you

Just to run my fingers through your pukes?

Don't talk to me that way!

I am not a groupie!

I never said that...

I'm not a groupie

Neither are my friends here

Jim and Ian and Aynsley and Don and Frank

None of us are groupies

Pleased to meet all you girls

Hiya Howie...

Tell 'em, tell 'em, we don't...we aren't groupies

Howard

Yeah

We only like musicians for friends

That's right

You, you know, you understand?

We still wanna hear your record

You know, we still like to come in your bus

Listen now, on the other side of the record,

Didn't you say that you got off bein' juked

With a baby octopus and spewed upon with cream corn?

And that your hair-lipped queen-o-bassplayin' girlfriend

With the cross ties and the tits on her shirt

Had to have it with a hot Seven-Up bottle or you went up the

wall?

Oh! Howie...

What's the deal, mama?

Howie, all that's true, Howie

And sometimes I even dig it with a Jack-In-The-Box ring job

But Howie, we are NOT, we are NOT groupies, Howie

I told Robert Plant that

I told Elton John

I told Steve Stills

Yeah

And he didn't even wanna ball me

I can see that...

Listen, the thing is baby, I want some action, you know

I'm only here for a couple of weeks,

Recording at the Record Plant

With that naked statue in the bathroom and stuff...

I'm horny as fuck!

Listen to me...

I want a steaming, succulent, juicy, drippy, ever-widening

Kind of a smelly, slimy, many folded,

Sort of in-and-out contracting sphincter

Kind of a hole with a, with a, with a...

Let's see, there's gotta be a way I can put this discreetly

Let's say we hop in the isle over those guys

And the blewin' FUCK BABY!

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm in this band man...

I told you that many times

No matter what goes on

Listen! It just so happens tonight

I mean, this is unbelievable

Are you a Virgo

No...

I mean, it just so happens tonight

Me and my girlfriends, well,

We came here lookin' for a guy from a group

Ah!

But just not ANY guy from ANY group

Yeah...

We're lookin' for a guy from a group with a DIK

Well, I can show you!

But he's gotta have a dik which is a monster!

(Wow!)

That's me!

You peeked!

That's me, you little Westward wench nipple-queen!

Take me, I'm yours, you hole.

Fulfil my wildest dreams!

Oh! Anything for you my most seductive pop star of a man.

Yeah?

Picture this if you can

Okay, I'll try...

Bead jobs

Knotted nylons

Bamboo canes

Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Fighting at the Fillmore East.

Oh!

Two unreleased recordings of...of the Grateful Dead,

Sitting in with Mel Torme

Yeah!

No! I...

Oh! Man! Oh, I, I just...

I can't stand it!

Do you understand me baby?

I mean, I can't stand it!

I can't stand it!

I can't stand it!

...

I gotta see my baby!

I gotta...

I can't stand it!