50/50

Close your eyes, make a wish, picture your perfect woman

Now open your eyes and forget about her

'Cause I’m here and I’m not it

And before we go any further

There’s a few things I’d like to admit

I’m a self-absorbed workaholic

My mind is always divided

My schedule is erratic, just like my thoughts

I’m easily depressed or overly excited whoo!

I can’t do anything around the house

If you want food you gotta cook it yourself

And if we stop having sex, I will leave

I have friends that give me everything else

I’ve got goals and dreams and aspirations

I’ve got shit to do

I’m not gonna change all my plans

Just to be with you

Yeah we’re a perfect couple

If you’re totally comfortable being alone

We’ll always be together

If it’s cool that I’m never home

If you like overcompensation for boundless insecurity

This is where it’s at

And if you notice I’ve been talking about myself this whole time

Well, get ready for more of that

And I’m like look at me look at me watch me watch me

Listen to me listen to this what do you think

Tell me the truth compliments only please

Oh man you really get me

I’m gonna make your dreams come true

As long as they don’t interfere with mine

I’ll always be here for you

For methodically allotted amounts of time

I’ll be there to hold your hand

If I happen to be in town

And any time you need me

There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around

I know this all sounds bad

But you know what else is true

Every word that I just said

Could have also been describing you

Yes every word that I just said

Could have also been describing you

You just don’t feel don’t feel bad about it

It’s never even occurred to you

To not go after all the things

You’ve ever wanted to

You weren’t subconsciously conditioned

To give up your dreams for me

Or that loved and ambitious

Were mutually exclusive things to be

It probably didn’t cross your mind

That your mom had goals too

That had nothing to do with getting married

And nothing to do with having you

Can we stop pretending

That it isn’t kind of sad

That your mom never pursued anything

With the same intensity as your dad

And right now you’re thinking

Not my mom, that was her decision

Okay, sure, but all our moms

That’s what they all envisioned

So therefore

I’m gonna make your dreams come true

As long as they don’t interfere with mine

I’ll always be here for you

For methodically allotted amounts of time

I’ll be there to hold your hand

If I happen to be in town

And any time you need me

There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around

Look I’ll meet you halfway there

But I can’t give you more than that

And know it’s not as sweet of a deal

As every man ever before you had

All I want is 50/50

All I want is half

And if those numbers seem off to you

Why?

It doesn’t mean I won’t be your partner

It doesn’t mean I won’t come through

It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person

It just means I’m the same as you

So if you’re looking for an equal you found it

But if want someone better than you, try again

Cause I only have what it takes to be man

I’ve never had what it takes to be a woman