Both Sides Can Laugh

Everyone once in a while you meet a special kind man

A needle in a haystack, a diamond in a pile of shit

A man who’s never written music but thinks he can

A republican crypto currency guy like Dan

Thank you, digital accountant Dan

For explaining how to write a song

I wouldn’t have known to choose a topic

Before you, you, Dan, you came along

Thanks for telling me to write down my thoughts

And send them all to you

So you can make sure it doesn’t offend

The conservative point of view

You say it’s time to pop my liberal bubble

And reach across the aisle

Find levity in relatable things

That can make the red and blue states smile

Because comedy should be inclusive

And connect with the other half

It should make us all feel comfortable

So both sides can laugh

Well, I’m going to take your advice, computer Dan

And write something bipartisan

So here’s my song

Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and you’re stuck in traffic

Now I’m late for my big meeting

Don’t you hate it when you’re conservative and your inlaws are here

Oh, brother, what’s your mother gonna say

Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and you lose your glasses

How can I find my glasses without my glasses

Or when you’re a conservative and your gun

Control policies enable constant, senseless

Devastating mass shootings

Isn’t it great when both sides can laugh

Hahahahahahaha

We’re really not that different

We should come together as one

With easy, pleasing, breezy jokes

You know comedy can just be fun

So let’s all get together

And embrace the other half

With this song

Where both sides can laugh

Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and a song’s in your head

Maureen I’m not a theater person

Or when you’re conservative and your podcast won’t load

It’ll only play an ad from blue apron

Don’t you hate when you’re liberal and you can’t stop crying

Boo hoo I want civil rights

Or when you’re conservative

And your pussy grabbing liar threatens nuclear annihilation on Twitter

Isn’t it great when both sides can laugh

Hahahahahahaha

In this time of political turmoil

I should ignore it and be polite

It’s more comfortable for all of us

If I don’t pick between left and wrong

So let’s all get together

And embrace the other half

With this song

Where both sides can laugh

If I want a ceasefire to transpire

Stop preaching to the whining lefty choir

Embrace the climate change denier

Give every joke a qualifier

With harmless, responsible comedy

Where we all feel good about our choices

That recognizes everyone

As equally valid political voices

Comedians should be on the medians

And put a premium on obedience

Be through with mental acuity

Find unity through ambiguity

All this complaining and exaggerating

Is actually just exacerbating

The futility and hypocrisy

Of the left wing aristocracy

Let go of the same old blue shtick

Stop trying to skew shit

I sound like a mouthy shrew chick

Acoustic music isn’t psychotherapeutic

I need to get a clue quick

If I want to accrue new YouTube clicks

Subdue this taboo shit I spew

Find a new, more palatable point of view

Well you underestimated me

Cause I don’t look like the enemy

My tentacles are venom-y

A musical comedy sea anemone

But I should say it’s okay

That no matter the cost, you want your little pistol

And it’s fine that voted for Voldemort

As long as your reasons were purely fiscal

Oh, you’re just greedy, I didn’t realize, that’s fine

So let’s all get together

And embrace the other half

With this song

Where both sides can laugh

What do you think, Dan, how did I do

I can’t believe I used to write songs that had point of view

Being general’s always better for comedy it’s true

Thank God for you, Dan, thank only Christian God for you