Handjob, Blandjob, I Don't Understand Job

Hand job, Bland job

I-Don't-Understand job

[Riki]

I got a problem and I can't contain it

I'll use my icky sticky rhymes to help explain it

Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me

Robert Stack can't even help me unsolve this mystery

[Kate]

I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer

I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer

Now I got a secret to get off my chest

Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest

[Riki]

In high school, I was in the marching band

Not learning what to do with my hand

While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock

I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik

[Kate]

I'm investigating bones like Deschanel

Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle

When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick

I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick

[Riki]

I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov

But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off

Wouldn't let you touch my chest like you're Vapo rubbing Vicks in

Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon

[Kate]

I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow

I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know

How to HJ your LB Johnson

Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson

[Riki]

I should have explored New Frontiers like Wil Wheaton

But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton

I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow

I wanna give a handjob but I don't know how

Hand job, Bland job

I-Don't-Understand job

Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top?

How can I learn when you always make me stop?

[Kate]

Now I'm on a full-blown investigation

To unlock the secrets of ejaculation

I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac

To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack

[Riki]

The top is the part that confuses me the most

It looks like a Silly Putty Pac Man ghost

Sometimes it's jello jiggling, sometimes it's denser

But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser

[Kate]

Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with Shaft

When it's soft and flabby like President Taft

It's like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight

Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight?

Move it like a Shake Weight

Move it like a Shake Weight

[Riki]

I'm pumping like breaks that aren't anti-lock

Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock

I go a little faster and then I retard

It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze too hard

[Kate]

I'm working my hand 'til it gets arthritis

I'll be holdin' 'til I get the Golden Touch of Midas

"I think, therefore I am"; getting my Descartes on

'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on

[Riki]

But the biggest, throbbing question all's

Seriously, what do you do with the balls?

Do I roll 'em like dice, do I mold them like clay

Do I tickle them like Elmo, or throw 'em like a partay?

[Kate]

Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow?

It's like the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show

Just sitting there cranky and superfluous

How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist?

Hand job, Bland job

I-Don't-Understand job

Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top?

How can I learn when you always make me stop?

How can I learn when you always make me stop?