The Actuary Song

Diana

Take your relationship length, or rl

First year of rl

Is worth six month’s recovery

The second year is worth exactly half that.

Marcie

(Laughs)

Diana

Now don’t you laugh at this brilliant discovery

Each year is worth one half the lack of worth the year before was worth

Your aches and pains will soon diminish.

So rebound time,

Rt

Is the fraction of the year it takes for pain to disappear.

You go through rt and then finish.

Your rt is important,

And it really can’t be shortened.

No matter you do,

Don’t even try

Marcie

What if I…?

Diana

So you can date around

But then those guys will just be rebound men

That’s what rebound time is all about!

And it’s as simple as that.

Marcie

So I give it time

Then find the one

I’m gonna go out and I’ll get him

Once my rebound time is done.

I have his picture in my mind,

It’s as clear as black and white.

He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

I’m gonna find mr. Right.

Yes?

Diana

No.

We still need to figure out your rebound time.

You following me so far?

Marcie

Yes… no.

Diana

Some factors can make a relationship feel long

Like how right the break up felt

Or the way that things went wrong.

If you ask me,

It’s plain to see

That there are three things to consider

When it’s all to be configurated

Your rl.

It can change.

I know it may sound strange,

But what matters is how long it feels like you dated.

Your new rl

We’ll call it adjusted rl

Or just arl.

And it’s the arl that changes with:

One- what number boyfriend was he?

Was it low or was it high?

Also known as the number boyfriend index or the nbi

This matters, it does.

And it’s four divided by three plus the number boyfriend that he was.

Two- the who broke up with whom concept.

The wbuwwc- you with me?

If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths.

If you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths.

And number three:

The bitterness factor

Rate the bitterness of the breakup on the scale of one to ten

You take that number, divide by point five and then you get the bf.

And it’s as simple as that!

Marcie

So what’s my rebound time?

Diana

Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your twenty-seventh boyfriend,

Based on how you’re reacting to the breakup, I’d say the bitterness was about a 5…

So it’s like you dated for a year!

Marcie

(Gasp) you know, it felt like that!

Diana

Exactly!

Putting your rebound time at six months. Officially.

Marcie

Isn’t that what I said five minutes ago?

Diana

But now it’s proven.

Marcie

So I’ll give it time

Begin to heal

Once I’m done with rebound time

It’s time to bring on someone real

We’ll think all the same thoughts

And we’ll never ever fight

He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of

I’m gonna find mr. Right

Diana

Yeah, actually, ah…

Marcie

What?

Diana

Well, it’s not that simple

Some of my friends got their perfect man,

But just before they got him

They dated the worst man possible

They hit boyfriend rock bottom.

Marcie

So in order to find my perfect man,

I’ve need find someone who’s perfectly wrong!

I’m in new york, that shouldn’t take too long.

Diana

You’ve gotta find mr. Wrong while you’re in rt

Or you’ll repeat this cycle forever,

Just like me.

Marcie

I’ll give it time

But first I have to find someone

Who’s flawed, structured, and boring

He’ll have warts of every kind.

I’ll give it time

But then meet mr. Rebound

In time…

I’ll give it time

Otherwise I’ll be sure

To go back to the cycle that I’ve cycled through before.

I’m sure it won’t be pleasant,

But I’ll stand strong

To find mr. Right

Diana (in counterpoint)

You bet you will

Don’t blow it.

When I was in my rebound time,

I blew it and I knew it.

I blew it

God I blew it

I blew it and I knew it.

Super warty!

Warty, warty, warty, warty,

Warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty

He’ll have a bump

Live in a dump

Be such a chump

That if you hump you’ll need a penis-pump

You’re gonna give it time

Otherwise you’ll be sure

To go back to the cycle that you’ve cycled through before

But you’ll stand strong

And I swear I will be there

No matter where

Because I care

We are a pair

And we will share

The wear and tear

Marcie & diana

In the next six months

I/you’re gonna find mr. Wrong.