Swamp Castle

Linkman: Oh, err, and Sheila has just..eh... come back now with our projector from the shop, and some bacon, too. Thank you, Sheila. So now, back to our feature film, and, uh, some things for the week-end, thank you.

Now back to our feature film, set in a Boeing 787. - A.D.

Father: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

Father: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

Herbert: But Mother--

Father: Father, lad. Father.

Herbert: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.

Father: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

Herbert: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--

Father: Rather what?!

Herbert: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing!

Father: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

Herbert: B-- but I don't want land.

Father: Listen, Alice,--

Herbert: Herbert.

Father: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

Herbert: But-- but I don't like her.

Father: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful.She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

Herbert: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something!

Father: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

Guard #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: No, no. Until I come and get him.

Guard #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

Father: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: And you'll come and get him.

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: Right.

Guard #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

Father: No, no. Leaving the room.

Guard #1: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff]

Father: All right?

Guard #1: Right.

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: Right.

Guard #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

Father: Yes? What is it?

Guard #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

Father: Look, it's quite simple.

Guard #1: Uh...

Father: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: Right.

Guard #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

Father: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--

Guard #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--

Father: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

Guard #1: Until you or anyone else--

Father: No, not anyone else. Just me.

Guard #1: Just you.

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: Get back.

Guard #1: Get back.

Father: All right?

Guard #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: What?

Father: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Guard #1: The Prince?

Father: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course.

Guard #2: Hic!

Guard #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

Father: Is that clear?

Guard #2: Hic!

Guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

Father: Right. Where are you going?

Guard #1: We're coming with you.

Father: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Guard #1: Oh, I see. Right.

Herbert: But Father!

Father: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!

Guard #2: Hic!

Father: Oh, go get a glass of water.