Loved Up

It all started with a simple status

I was online when I saw my mate update his

To “Feeling blessed” with a smiley face

Which aroused my suspicions right away

Now, I know that you’re probably questioning why?

But he’s the moodiest dude you’ve ever met in your life

I mean, this guy could make Eeyore look euphoric

So I knew something was up from the moment I saw it

I kept an eye on it for the next few days

And one by one all the symptoms began to display

And instead of his typical cynical posts

He was now sharing those inspirational quotes

It was obvious what was occurring

We just had to wait for his status to confirm it

And the very next day he updated it

To say – you guessed it – “In relationship”

My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up

And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up

I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t bitter

But I don’t need updates on Facebook and Twitter

My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up

And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up

I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t jealous

But keep it to yourself coz you don’t need to tell us

So now it’s official and he’s spreading the word around

You’d have to be a hermit not to have heard by now

Even when it’s unrelated

Crowbarring “My new girlfriend” into every conversation

Like “Did you hear that celebrity’s dead?”

“That reminds me of something hilarious that she said…”

So we smile and pretend that we care

And reply “Yeah mate, you probably had to be there…”

This is the same guy just to be clear

Who’s had the same profile pic for the last 5 years

And only just now he’s changed it

To a photo of them both on some nauseating day trip

He never used to even go to the shops

Now she’s taking him hiking on woodland romps?

“Man I thought you said nature was boring”

“Yeah but she gave me a new appreciation for it”

My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up

And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up

I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t bitter

But I don’t need updates on Facebook and Twitter

My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up

And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up

I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t jealous

But keep it to yourself coz you don’t need to tell us

It’s been a whole week and he thinks she’s a keeper

And inevitably now he wants me to meet her

But I don’t feel like I need to

I know enough already I could write her entry on Wikipedia

But I agree and we go for a meal

Where predictably I feel as if I’m a third wheel

While they stare lovingly into each other’s eyes

I nearly jump out my seat when the drinks arrive (DRINKS ARE HERE!)

Coz that’s the only way that I can get through this

While they sit and giggle like a pair of school kids

It’s cute but it makes me wanna vomit

They’re not calling each other “snookums” yet, but its not far from it

But she’s cool to be perfectly honest

I can’t fault her and my mate is completely besotted

So as long as he’s happy that’s the main thing

You just wouldn’t ever catch me acting like that – is all I’m saying…

My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up

And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up

I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t jealous

But keep it to yourself coz you don’t need to tell us

My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up

And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up

I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t bitter

But maybe she’s got a fit mate or a sister?