Wildlife

Hello there and welcome, I’m glad that you could make it

On this trip to one of Britain’s deadliest places

Now keep your wits about you in this strange and distant land

As we go on a search to find the great British Lad

A couple housekeeping tips I quickly need to mention

Please no flash photography – you’ll only draw attention

Soak yourself in aftershave and use it as a mask

And put this skintight t-shirt on to act as camouflage

Now that all been covered – we’re ready to get started

There’s a pack of lads now! Just look at their markings…

Their unique tattoos differ them from rival gangs

A bunch of Chinese symbols and couple tribal bands

There’s 6 of them in total, and though they’re mostly social

They’re likely to attack another pack if they’re not local

They operate collectively and often have a tendency

To urinate in public places just to mark their territory

Welcome to the jungle it’s a hostile terrain

A dangerous location full of predators and prey

It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day

But when night falls it turns into a very different place

Let’s take a closer look at this group in particular

Hands up anybody here who knows this bit of trivia

What two traits does the alpha male exhibit?

Yes you at the back “He’s the loudest and the biggest”

Correct! Now in this group Gav is the leader

And he’s in charge of all the beta males who are weaker

When it comes to where to go – he makes the selection

And when he cracks a joke they all laugh without exception

The female of the species also has degrees of status

But their rank is measured on a slightly different basis

The queen bee is usually the one who’s most attractive

So being Alpha Lad comes with another big advantage

This system is accepted and must always be respected

As failure to comply can cause a lad to get ejected

This might not seem fair to you – and I agree it isn’t

But out here in the jungle it’s survival of the fittest

Welcome to the jungle it’s a hostile terrain

A dangerous location full of predators and prey

It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day

But when night falls it turns into a very different place

Now I know that you came here for one main reason

To see the British Lad during mating season

And now that they’ve drunk enough it only seems right

To try and find a partner to take home for the night

There’s more men than women which is always the way

So they engage in a complex courtship display

This can range from anything from dancing and posing

To telling her about the type of car that he’s owning

Don’t look now but I think we’ve got a match

Gav’s spotted Tracey and she thinks he’s a catch

They’re grinding on the dancefloor but just before they leave

They’re greeted by her ex-mating partner called Steve

Neither will back down so a violent fight ensues

Where everything from foreheads to beer bottles are used

Steve is victorious so on this occasion

Gav goes home with a kebab – to watch Babe Station

Welcome to the jungle it’s a hostile terrain

A dangerous location full of predators and prey

It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day

But when night falls it turns into a very different place

I know it’s ba-a-ad, I wanna be a la-a-ad

I wanna drink like lads, think like lads, It’s sad

I know it’s ba-a-ad, I wanna be a la-a-ad

I wanna crawl like lads, brawl like lads it’s mad