The Simple Plot Of Metal Gear Solid

Hello, and welcome back

To another episode of Talking Video Games

We continue today in our series of games with simple plots

Guests, please introduce yourselves

And tell us the plots of your games

I'm the chef from Burger Time!

I make-a the burgers!

Hello, I'm centipede. I just kinda move down the screen

Hey, I'm Snake from Metal Gear Solid

My game's got a pretty simple story

Snake, I don't see your name on the list

Ah, my friend Cloud Strife told me to come

On this show and talk about it

Oh God, no

It was the distant future, two thousand and five

All I wanted to do was chill out and retire

But genetically enhanced renegades, named Foxhound

Stole a bunch of nukes and had shit on lockdown

Okay we're past our time limit, Snake!

Colonel Campbell said I had to infiltrate

Before they start a nuclear conflict

What a bunch of jerks!

[Host:] You're a bag of dicks

I climbed through an air vent and saved two guys

They shared top secrets and suddenly died

Of two heart attacks right out of thin air

Both within five minutes!

Oh my God, I don't care!

Then I met Meryl, a hot box of rocks

And I fought a gunslinger named Ocelot

But a cyborg ninja cut his hand away

You know, normal shit that happens every day

Listen Snake, there must have been a mistake

On this show you've got to get right to the point of your game

Like the ship from Galaga

[Galaga Ship (RubberNinja):] Hi, I shoot stuff in space

And this car from Pole Position

I'm a car!

That's great!

You know we've been through this before with your boy Cloud Strife

And he talked too long I contemplated ending my life

So let's keep things nice and simple like the hero over there

From the Atari game Adventure

I'm literally just a yellow square!

Who cares

I tried really hard to find a mech named Rex

And the ninja came back in the mix like Chex

It was Grey Fox and I fought Vulcan Raven

A big motherfuckin' Alaskan shaman

So I killed that guy but before he died

He said Meryl liked me, I almost cried

She's a little hottie pants, ooh-meow!

It would be so great if you died right now

I killed Sniper Wolf who was absurdly hot

And then murdered three guys and an evil robot

'Til Liquid Snake and I were left alone

He said that I was his brother and a superior clone

Then he died of a virus and thinking fast

Meryl saved us

I don't give a frog's fat ass

Then we stayed together until the seven year itch

And now you know the simple plot of Metal Gear bitch!

Listen Snake I've taken all I can take

Just because your game is simple doesn't mean that it's lame

Tell them, kid from Paperboy

Yo, I deliver those papers!

The guy from Elevator Action

Uh, elevators?

Okay!

Dear God

Why can't I just have a single panel of guests

Who can say their plots in forty fuckin' minutes or less

Now just watch me, Snake before you make me reach for a gun

I'll summarize your game

And show you how this shit is really motherfuckin' done!

How it's motherfuckin' done!

You sneak around and save the world. The End

My God, can I get a replacement guest

With a simple plot please?

Hi, I'm Sora from Kingdom Hearts!

Nooooooooooo!